Relationships - Women

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Past Haunts New Relationship

 Miss Emily:
I have a slight complicated question well, at least, I think it is. Let me start by saying that I am currently in a almost 2 year relationship with the man of my dreams. Everything was going great up until about 4 or 5 months ago.  We entered the relationship we told each other everything. So later there would be no surprises. Well, my past relationship had some extreme circumstances. I was with my child's father for almost 7 years, on and off . We got together when i was 13 amd he was 18. I thought it was great. I didn't have a father figure i guess he filled that role. Everything was great for the first 3 years. I thought I was in love but then he started cheating, beating me, and forced me to have sex. I got pregnant, and  he got someone else pregnant --  married someone else -- then came back to me. And i took him back. I WAS SO STUPID! So now when I got with my new man, over time I expressed all the bad that happened to me,  he comforted me, and said he would never do it to me -- but now it's affecting him badly. Now that were starting to want to have future kids, and things like, he think I will never truly love him because of all the bad that I let happen to me by my ex.  He never feels all the way secure with our relationship.  Now my question is how do we overcome this, because my way of trying to overcome it is with "I love you" and affection, but he said that makes it worse. It makes him think I did that with my ex. We love each other dearly, but it's taking a toll on our relrelationship. What can I do?

------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

He's not being rational about this, because he's as much saying you are incapable of recognizing a good man. And he is a good man, isn't he? -- unless he doesn't feel that's the case, and he's the one who thinks he's unworthy of your love. Maybe the whole horror of your past has finally dawned on him, and he can't reconcile how anyone could be in that position. But whatever the reason, he's forcing you to wear the shroud of your past, even when you were fortunate enough to let it go. He gives you no credit for growing, learning, maturing, and accepting a good relationship. But this relationship won't last if he punishes you for a past you cannot change. You being forthcoming to him has become a weapon he uses against you. And that's not fair, nor right. I'm not sure what chance you have of going to couples counseling to work at this, but it could help you save this relationship. If it's a money issue, however, at some point, he's going to have to let you live in the future and not the past. You were a vulnerable young girl when your ex took over your life. Where he belongs is in jail, but injustice is not uncommon. Bottom line: If he refuses to let this go, you're going to have to let him go. I am so sorry, sweetie. You've suffered enough for the garbage life threw your way, and to be punished twice for something that happened at a time when you were the most vulnerable, had no real guidance from family, and were left to make big decisions with a child's mind is cruel. If he doesn't understand this, he doesn't deserve you!

Money Issues Cause Breakdown In Relationship

Sometimes Love Isn't Enough

Dear Miss Emily:

There is this guy who is actually my first, and we shared everything together.  We spent 6 months, inseparable, in Germany, but now he's back to his hometown "Belgium". He has a girlfriend and he's still with her. But he makes sure we talk twice a week, and we talk for hours. Sometimes when he's out, he gets back at 4am and sends me a message. We both know we have feelings for each other, but we never really talked about it. But then I went to visit him, and he told me that he thinks he's falling for me. It's a bit impossible for us to be together, now, because in 6 months i will be back to my country. But I have feelings for him, I have never felt that way before with someone. I think I'm falling for him, as well. But does he really like me? What should  I do? He also told me, "I love you" under the influence of alcohol. He always shows me  he cares. He worries about me, as well. He is still with his girlfriend. What does that say ? HELP ME!!!

-----------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

It's music to your ears when he says these things to you, but it gives you false hope. He's in a relationship with another woman. That can't possibly make you feel good at your core, and he's betraying her. He has a right to have a girlfriend in Belgium, but his duplicity is wrong, and selfish. I am sure he has some good qualities, but his profession of love is cold comfort to you if he remains with her, and there's no talk of future plans to be together. If you're going back to your country, permanently, no matter how painful it is, I think it's best to end it. Why grow fonder of him if it's only going to make it harder for you being on a different continent? There's no doubt he has feelings for you but, often times, love isn't enough. He's your first, and that makes it harder, but it's time to think long term.

Deployed Wife Worries Husband Too Cozy With Ex

Dear Miss Emily:

I've been with my husband for a year and half, and only married for 3 months. Ever since I left for my deployment, my husband has started talking to his ex-wife, everyday. They text for hours after he gets off work, and talk on the phone a lot. They do have 2 kids together, and I completely understand if it is just about the kids. The reason I know how much they talk is because we share cell phone accounts. This morning  we were on skype, and I heard him on his phone. I asked him about it and he said he was setting his alarm. Well,  I checked the phone usage and, sure enough, there was a text from his ex wife at the same time we were on skype. He lies about little stuff like this, and when I bring up how much he talks to his ex wife, he blows up and gets really defensive. They were married for 8 years so I know there is history there. I just have this gut feeling that there may be something more going on than just talking about his kids to her, because they literally text every day. I can't talk to him about this 'cause he gets so mad, we fight, and it make this deployment even harder. How should I approach him and make him come clean about when they do talk? Like if they really are just talking about the kids, why does he not ever talk about the kids to me?

------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------

I think you have a right to be concerned. If it were just about the kids, then it would not take hours on the phone as if they are best friends who have so much to say, but so little time. Perhaps they have rekindled a solid friendship, and nothing more, but there should be boundaries out of respect to you -- and even if you're far away, and he's "lonely" for female contact. He, obviously, would prefer to do what he wants, tell you to shut up about it, or he'll blow up over it. No room for discussion on his end. That's less a marriage, and more a dictatorship. I have a feeling if the shoe were on the other foot, he would not take kindly to it. The best you can do, right now, is tell him that their new found "friendship", aside from discussions about the children, is disrespectful and demeaning to your marriage. And, yes, he should be talking about his children to you. You are their stepmother. I feel for you. While you're serving your country, you have to contend with a husband, back home, who shows little regard for your feelings. You told him about your concerns, and he dismisses them. He should be sensitive to your feelings, and understand that it not only looks bad, it's an insult to the woman who is supposed to be number one in his life  It seems he doesn't understand the meaning of true commitment.

Ex Is In Jail And Now He Professes Love

Dear Miss Emily:

I have an  ex-boyfriend I still have feelings for. I have tried to move on and I am not interested in anyone else. I'm not sad about it just confused. Here's what happened. He is in jail right now. I had been talking to him via phone and letters. We say we love and miss each other. I started to freak out that he would not want to be with me once he was released. I also do not want him relying solely on me for his needs. I wrote to him telling him that. I said i just want to be friends for now, and when he gets out we can work on progressing if we want. I did this, mainly, so he can get his s*** together. I pushed him away. I keep wanting to write to him again. Should i write to him? It's been 2 months since we talked.

--------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

When a guy's in prison, he does reach out, for all sorts of reasons, and two may be some place to go, and where someone supports him after he leaves confinement. These guy's can make big promises because of loneliness, neediness and craftiness, and I think that's why you said what you did. I also think you should stick to it! It's possible he could see you as a meal ticket. You're his ex, but he was fully aware, from the start of your corresponsence, that you hadn't gotten over him. It's possible he could have used you to get the help he needs without any real commitment. You broke up for valid reasons, and it's unlikely they have changed.  Again, you know you don't want to set yourself up as a sitting duck, and your terms were fair -- but he doesn't seem to like them. You can write, but unless you tell him you're his go-to girl, I doubt anything has changed. If he were on the up and up, he'd do what you requested.

Warring Sister-in-laws

Der Miss Emily:6

Me and my sister-in-law and I have a lot of problems. We do things to hurt each other. It's not physical, it's all mental. How do we create a new healthy relationship when ours is so damaged?

----------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------

Born into a family, and marry into one. Not for the faint of heart! This may be difficult to do if she's not on board with trying to get to the root of why you and she are warring family members. Extend an olive branch and ask if if she's willing to put the past behind, resolve your differences, and start fresh -- if it's at all possible. If she's not on board, there's little you can do other than stop the madness on your end and become a pacifist -- you know -- like Gandhi. It usually takes two to fuel a relationship fire, and if you back away from the flames, perhaps she'll burn out. But even if she continues to be a vindictive person, you tried, and taking the high road is the better plan. Give it a try.

Is he "Just Not That Into Her?"

 Dear Miss Emily,

I'll try and put this into a nutshell to save you time. I fell for a guy I met last year at uni (we are both older students in our 30's). I don't fall for guys often so was taken by surprise at how much I really liked this one. After all the months of ''is he into me or not'' questions, over analyzing and nights of no sleep, I went with my gut instinct and knew 'No-he's not into me, I give up'. Then out of the blue he emails wanting to catch up for a beer after exams-but it never eventuated because of bad timing. 3 months later in an email (i caved in and emailed him saying hi, etc) he says ''stay in touch'' and me, being the realist, I am now wondering is he just being polite, does he really want to stay in touch, or am I just clutching at straws and wasting my time. Thank you for your time.

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------

I think "stay in touch" is too casual, because if he were more enthusiastic, he'd be staying in touch with you, too. It should not be you initiating it much of the time.  And even though he called you to have a beer and catch up, there's been no real push since then. The problem is that you really like him, but he's not given you anything concrete to warrant devotion to him. Unless he starts to show some real effort on his part, I would let it go unless he contacted you. And you can't even know why he hasn't been aggressively seeking you out. He could be a guy who isn't into any type of commitment, or he's got other issues that would have little, or nothing to do with you. In other words, you can't know, for sure, so don't see it as rejection -- only something that may never be.

Is Husband Cheating?

Dear Miss Emily:

My husband has been getting text messages from females, and simetimes wears two pair of boxers. He swears on everything he's not cheating. Any advice?

--------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------

 I can't say, for fact, that he's cheating based on texts from females. It depends on what is said in them, how persistent, and if you know these ladies. You should not be excluded from any female friendships he has, unless it's related to a casual work relationship. Two pair of boxer shorts? Why that would be eludes me, unless he's somehow soiling one pair because of incontinence, or fear he'll leave one pair behind! And so, yes, I think it's possible he has cheating on his mind (or has), and you need to get to the bottom of it. Keep your eyes and ears open without letting on. Be creative in your quest for the truth.

Jealous Husband Lives By Double Standard

Hi Miss Emily:

I'm 28 and I have an 11 month old baby. About 2 months ago, I started going to the gym because my husband thought it was a good idea, as I was always at home with baby and not getting any time for myself. So I started going for one hour, 2-3 times a week and he looked after our baby. I started getting my confidence back and my figure. I joined a mum and baby club and started to get out more with my baby. Recently, my husband has been funny with me. He says things like where do you think your going looking like THAT? Or, are you going to see another man?  Or he will pick on every little thing I say or do, and makes me feel bad about myself. Yesterday, I said I wanted to go to the gym as I hadn't been for a week. He said, with attitude, that I'm a mother, now, and I shouldn't be leaving the baby at home with him, and if I wanted to have time to myself that I shouldn't have had a baby! I won't tell you how I answered because it wasn't very lady like. Most of the time I just ignore his stupid comments like that, but I just couldn't hold it in any longer. He is always out, and gets his time for himself without having a baby screaming at him because he is teething. The whole thing was his idea in the first place, and now he's behaving like a child. I really enjoy going coz most of my life I've never actually done anything for myself, so I don't know what to do now. Should I just cut the crap and stop going, or continue going and ask a family member to look after my baby for an hour? Am I selfish?

------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------

Of course you're not being selfish! Not only should you have some time away from the baby, he is the one who suggested it. Absurd behavior on his part, and extremely transparent. He wanted you to go to the gym to get back in shape. He didn't suggest a movie and dinner with a girlfriend. He resents the very thing he wanted.  He is operating under the umbrella of a double-standard. He can go out and about as a dad, but you, being a mom, should curtail your activities, or wear a gunny sack in public. He's jealous, he lacks trust, and the irony is that he set the ball in motion. Do not acquiesce to his inability to be a rational, stand up guy. You've done nothing to warrant mistrust, and he's being a jerk (and that's putting in mildly). You don't want this to fester more than it already has, because you and he have a sweet son who deserves the absolute best effort from his parents to maintain a safe and lovely environment. Do not argue with your husband, nor allow him to spin this out of control. Be firm! Tell him to cease the jealousy and chauvinistic trip he's laying at your feet, or get counseling for a problem he has accepting your need for some independence in the marriage. If he refuses to change his offensive behavior, I think you'll, sadly, have to reassess your marriage. To be treated like a second class citizen, because you are in good shape after having the baby, should not abide. If you allow it, you could end up living in a prison without bars. Stop the bleeding NOW.

Husband Doesn't Want Kids

Dear Miss Emily:

My husband of 6 months is 39, and I'm 26. He has had a vasectomy
for 13 years. I think I want kids, but he doesn't want more. He has 2 from 
his first marriage. I'm not sure I want kids --  some days I do -- some I 
don't. Is this worth fighting over? Is it worth leaving over? Help!!!

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------

Is it worth fighting for? The word "fight" has the connotation of a winner and a loser. You want this to be a mutal decision, and not a act of coercion. This is something that should have been decided before the marriage, but perhaps you changed your mind. Sadly, that puts a condition on the marriage in terms of success. If you do decide you want kids, and he's still stalwart about not having them, yes, that is a deal breaker, eventually.
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