Relationships - Men

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Grieving Widow Not Ready For New Relationship

Dear Miss Emily:

My girlfriend is a widow, and we have dated since June of last year. We have remarkable times together. The thing is, we went out of state and set his ashes free in the ocean. After that she has only wanted to see me, maybe, once a month. Now she says I need to talk to her like she's married 'cause in her heart she's still married. She says she can't love me like I deserve, because she's still in love with her late husband. I'm in
love with her. What should I do?

-----------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------

As painful as this is, I feel you should let her go. She got involved with you too soon after the death of her husband. She hadn't moved past the grieving period (which has no set time limit), and although you provided a distraction and great comfort to her, it couldn't fill the void left by her husband. Her new terms are not acceptable, in my opinion. She's making a choice, and she has to accept the consequences of it. You can't, or should not play the role of a go-to friend when it suits her, nor treat her as a married woman who offers little more than an occasional use of her time. It's because you love her that you need to protect yourself from additional heartbreak. She knows where to contact you if she changes her mind.

He Wants Out

Dear Miss Emily My girlfriend of 2 years says things like, "If this guy was in the same neighbourhood as us, I would leave you and go out with him" or "I love that guy". I've reached a point where it doesn't hurt me anymore. All I want now is to leave this woman. How do I break up with her and not feel guilty? I've tried breaking up with her in the past and she would cry, making me feel guilty and I'd end up taking her back. What should I do? I thank you.
---------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------

Guilty? She holds a sword over your head, and you feel guilty wanting to get out from under it? Whether she's trying to make you jealous, she thinks you're an inadequate boyfriend who can't please someone as special as she, or her insults will turn you into the guy she wants you to be, at some time you have to think about the "wuss factor" here. Of course she'll cry when you want to break up with her. In the past, she's gotten away with it, and she won't like losing to someone who had the nerve to say "no more." Get a grip, and start taking charge of your life. If you don't, you'll have only yourself to blame. Be firm. It's over, you're moving on -- END OF DISCUSSION. It takes courage, but if not now, when?

Breaking Up Is Hard To Do

 Dear Miss Emily:

Im 20 years old and have been in a relationship with my current girlfriend for a year and a half now. Things have been going good, but slowly I feel as if we have been growing apart. A few weeks ago, I went on a school trip and really got to know another woman. I didnt cheat on my girlfriend, but I cannot stop thinking about this other woman. I love my girlfriend, but I feel like I have so much more in common with this other woman, and I dont know what to do anymore! I dont want to seriously hurt my girlfriend, but I cannot help and think that if I dont act, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure if the other woman feels the same way about me, all I know is I felt a spark and I'm in love with her. Please help.

-------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

I don't know if this is a situation you'll regret the rest of your life, but it's clear your relationship with your girlfriend has run its course. And that you should not ignore. Of course she'll be hurt if she's committed to you, but if no one had the courage to end a relationship, I shudder to think of how much worse the world would be! If you want to avoid heartbreak, don't get in a relationship.  It matters that you feel differently (probably have for a while now), and that is why this one girl, on this one day,  got you thinking you're in love with her. She may not be on board, but you've lost interest in your present relationship, and it's best to face it head on. Your girlfriend deserves a guy who's fully engaged in the relationship, and not one that's a consolation prize.

Silent Treatment From Friend

Dear Miss Emily:

I have had a close female friend for over 20 years. We are not in a romantic relationship. In early February, we planned to go to a wine festival together as we do frequently. We were both very enthusiastic about attending. The day before the 2-day weekend festival, we had a snow storm (7-8 inches). I texted her on Saturday morning that the festival had not been cancelled, and we could try to go on Saturday, or go on Sunday. I got a harsh text back that she didn't want to attend all all. I texted her back saying okay. That's the last I heard from her. Since then she's been giving me the silent treatment, ignoring my calls, texts, and emails. I think she feels that the text was coercing her to go even though I wasn't. It's difficult to apologize to a person who won't communicate. I left her a voicemail, saying that I was sorry about the whole incident. More recently, I sent her an e-mail apology in which I take full blame for the wine festival incident, and asked her to call me. She has done the silent treatment to me before, but it was many years ago when we were much younger. She suffers from depression, and it would be very easy for me to walk away, but I don't want to lose a long-term friend. I feeel bad about the whole situation. I wish I had never sent that text. I cannot believe that I may lose a 20-year friendship over a misinterpreted text message. What should I do?

-------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------

If that's all you put in the message, her reaction makes little, rational, sense. I think it's possible she loves you more than you realize, she has some pent up reaentment toward you she's never expressed, and/or her depression may be linked to a more pervasive disorder. You've done all you can to reignite your relationship with her, but her reasoning prevents it from happening. Sure, it would be hard to end this 20 year friendship, but if you honestly feel you did nothing to warrant her punitive behavior, the ball's in her court to change it. And if she does come back into your life, you need to get a few things settled! Sometimes we don't truly know a person until he, or she does something to make us question if we ever truly did.

Biloar Guy Wants To Make Up For Hurt In Relationship


Dear Miss Emily:

got bipolar. I  did a lot to my girlfriend within the 4 years. I'm on new medicine. She is telling me she wants to be friends, but one day we went out to eat and she was acting like we was together. I text her the next day, and she answered, but I did not hear back when I text 2 more times. What do you think?

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

Unfortunately, you being bipolar has affected the relationship, and there may be "too much water under the bridge." She's bruised from the experiences. I can't reassure you that you'll get back together with her, but I think it's best to follow her lead. She wants friendship, now, and if you can be that guy to her, maybe in time you can prove you're reliable. There's no quick fix,  and you can't force her to feel differently. If you have things under control for a while, perhaps she'll notice and you can build from there. Be patient. I don't think there's much else you can do. But if she keeps this up, and it's clear she wants only friendship, and/or has moved on to another relationship, you'll have to move on too. Bipolar, or not, relationships can be one of the hardest things to work out to a successful conclusion. Four years is a long time to be in one, and it makes it a lot harder to end it. I am so sorry.   

You Can't Buy Love

Dear Miss Emily:

So I really like this girl. I do everything for her -- buy her flowers, take her to dinner, give her gifts, compliment her etc., but she still flirts with other guys. Sure she's single, but these other guys are guys she's never met, I've liked her for about 9 months now. She knows I like her. I asked her out, but she's yet to give me an answer(it's been a week), so I'm thinking about moving on. But it will be hard to move on given how I feel about her, and how long I've liked her. Can you help?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

Of course she knows you like her. You fawn over her! Learn this now, you can't force someone to love you. Gifts and attention make no difference if she's not interested. It doesn't matter how you feel, ultimately. It matters that she reciprocates strong feelings for you -- and she clearly does not. This girl takes from you, but gives little (and I'm being generous) in return. She may be flattered that you are this attentive, but that's all it appears to be. You'd think taking her to dinner would constitute a date, and it's unfortunate that neither one of you see it that way. If she flirts with other guys when you're with her, it's highly disrespectful -- and proves just how little she cares for you, and the kindnesses you have bestowed. Don't be  foolish thinking your sycophantic behavior will score points. You have to move on. And when you do, please don't fall for her, suddenly, taking interest in you. More than likely, it's only because she misses the attention, but not you.

Best Friend's Depression Over Loss of Girlfriend

Dear Miss Emily:

My friend has depression over a girl breaking up with him. She has clinical depression but was doing well while they went out but, then, she cracked and decided she didn't want to be friends, or anything. It's been 5 months since it happened, and he can't get over her. He always talks about her, tries to go see her, talk to her and fix things, but she won't be nice to him so he gets even deeper into depression. I tell him to stop making himself feel bad by bringing it all up, but he keeps doing it. I feel like he wants me to fix it -- for people to fix it, but we have to live our own lives. How can I help my best friend?

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------- You can't fix this for him. Many people do not understand the concept of other people having to live their lives, not being emotionally equipped to help, or altruistic to the point they let their lives take a back seat. You have been tapped out on support for him. Suggest he seek counseling. He seems to want some kind of magic bullet to fix this girl, but he's chasing a dream. She broke up with him for a reason, and even if he doesn't realize it, staying with her would have been far worse than losing her. Make that final point to him, and then set boundaries. Tell him that he is the one who must find closure by working toward it, and endless sympathy from friends is not the way to get it. 

Lesson Learned?

Dear Miss Emily:

I'm 17, and I started dating this older guy almost a year ago. One time he asked to borrow my camera so he could pursue something he was interested in and, being there to support him I said yes, but told him that I needed it back a few days later. That was a month ago, and since then he's changed his number and won't answer any of messages. To make things worse, I ended up finding him on a Instagram and realized he'd been cheating on me with his ex gf. As heartbroken as I am, I just want what belongs to me and be done with him, but I can't get in contact with him and no longer know where he lives. Please help me.

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

This may end up a lesson learned. Shakespeare said, "Neither a borrower, or a lender be." You wouldn't be the first who loaned something and  it was never returned, or returned damaged. I've certainly had it happen to me! We tend to be trusting souls, but it ends up to be nothing more than hope. Never loan anything you can't afford to lose. He was a creep, there's no question about that, but the only way you could get it back (and this may be remote) is to file for resolution through a small claims court. But you would have to know his address. A little sleuthing may yield some information if you were willing to go on the Internet and pay to track down his latest address -- if he has one. He would have to alert credit card companies -- if he even has credit -- or other places he's associated and needs mail sent to him. If you aren't up for the task of turning yourself into Sherlock Holmes (and I don't blame you), again, lesson learned.

Run For The Hills From This Woman

In Love With Two Women

Dear Miss Emily:

Ok here goes -- been with my gf for nearly over 9 years. We split up last December, as I thought it was for the best as things went sour. And after that, I met another girl.  She makes me really happy, and I do love her. But my ex and I have a child, and I'm a good dad. I'm find it really hard to let them go. I've be going back and fourth between them both, which is horrible of me, but what one lacks, the other excels in. My ex is my baby mother, and a great housewife,  and the other has her own kids and the fun, the laughter is all there. We get along so well. But when I'm with he,r I miss my old family, and when I'm with my ex, I miss her loads. I just don't know what do do as I wanna start the new year fresh. They both know about what's gone on, but I don't know if my ex will ever forgive me for going with someone else.  I just wanna be happy with the choice I make, as they both deserve to be happy as well. Everyone keeps saying don't just go back for the kids, and I'm aware of that. And, yes, part of it is, but I don't know if I put enough effort back in it if we might be able to rekindle what we had before.

-------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------

If this isn't a reason for couples' counseling, I don't know what one would need! This is going to take a lot of effort on your part, because were you to go back to your ex, you'd not only want it to be a clear and decisive move on your part, you'd have to be sure she'll forgive you for being with your present girlfriend, and not have her hang it over your head, ad infinitum. You are clearly not ready to make a decision. Being with a new mate is enticing. There's the newness, everyone gets along, but the tough part is making it work on a day-to-day basis, with all the things that can enter a relationship that aren't flowery and feel good. I don't know what your options are in terms of counseling, but your friends are right -- moving back in with your former partner, for the reason that you share a child (and she's a good housewife), will not make you happy, nor her. You had problems (that's why you left), and they would have to be solved. Were that not to happen, and you did move back in, it will only mean you'll be searching for someone who does fill the void your partner leaves in you, and that will bring you back to this point in time. "Act in haste, repent in leisure."

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