General

You can ask a question here, and it will posted on the website. Confidentiality is guaranteed.  No e-mail addresses will be used.  When asking for advice, use ficticious names.  If you would like some advice but don't want it posted on the site, click here and put "Private" in the subject line.

(Page 4 of 8)   « Prev  2  3  
4
  5  6  Next »

Houseguest From Hell

Dear Emily,

My husband and I entertained his brother and wife for a month at our beach house in Costa Rica. We don't see my brother in law often as they live in So. Africa  and we live in the US. I have met my brother in law's wife once when they visited with us for three weeks in California and didn't care for her at all. When they visited with us in CR there was some tension as I think she is a selfish, self absorbed, insensitive woman who acted like a princess while they were there. My question is; Although my husband has received a note of thanks from his brother, should I expect to receive  a note of appreciation or thanks from her ? I didn't hear anything from her the last time they visited either.

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

You can't expect to receive a note of thanks from anyone who is selfish, self-absorbed and insensitive. That's what makes these people so "special," because they lack good breeding -- or nature dealt them scads of badly mutated genes. Consider the source. In the future, if you have them as guests, you have every right to set a time-limit on visits (a month is a long time to spend with a boor) and not allow yourself to be treated like bellhops. I understand it's a sensitive issue because this is your brother-in-law's wife, but that doesn't mean you need to put up with a middle-aged Paris Hilton. You can be thankful that they live in South Africa, and not in Oregon. Here's a book I found on Amazon that might be helpful in managing difficult people:

Dealing with People You Can't Stand: How to Bring Out the Best in People at Their Worst [Paperback]

Dr. Rick Brinkman (Author), Dr. Rick Kirschner  

Emily

Fico Credit Score In The Dumper

Dear Miss Emily:

I leased a car but fell behind in payments. Recently I caught up and I'm on time with payments Now I'm trying to buy a home but I can't because my Fico score is low even w/cosigner. Will it kick back up, and what estimated time frame?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

Although I'm not a finance expert, I'll tell you what I know. Having a low Fico score, and with this bad economy, your chances of getting a home loan in the near future are slim to none. It's an abrupt turnaround, because so much of the reason our economy tanked is because loans were given out with little question as to how the person was going to pay for it. They were called sub-prime loans, and the banks didn't mind loaning because they would sell off the loans, take the up-front money, and let some other investor worry about it. Hence, one of the reasons we're in this fix, today. The best thing you can do is to build your Fico score (obviously) by always making payments on time, keep credit cards amounts low, and sit out the bad economy. A Fico score can improve much faster than a bankruptcy -- which can ruin your credit for 7-10 years. These are tough times, but the banks hold all the cards and there's not much you can do to change it. Owning a home can be a costly venture. There are property taxes, insurance, and you fix all the problems when things go wrong. Remember this fact, and you may feel better about your present circumstances. The real estate market is going to take years to recover -- and those who once saw it as a form of a nest egg -- or easy money to tap into,  won't be able to realize it in the way a person once might have believed. If your finances are the least bit fragile, you won't want the headache of owning a home, now. It's a good future goal but, presently, it's out of reach. But, if you are young, you still have a chance in the market if you stay financially stable for long enough to show a bank you're a good risk.

Baby Name The Same

Dear Miss Emily:

My niece is naming her baby "Jane" and now my stepdaughter wants to use the same name. There's a big family uproar! We think my stepdaughter should come up with her own. Am I wrong?

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

Have you approached your stepdaughter on this issue? And if so, what was her reaction? This kind of thing does crop up in families and those who object want to wave their fingers in the person's face and say, "What is your problem?" But, usually, the copycat is clueless and thinks everyone else needs to get over it. You can't force her to change her mind and, although it seems silly she can't be more imaginative, it's best to let it go.  Bottom line: Consider the source. Perhaps she'll change her mind before her baby is born. If not, get used to saying Jane One, or Jane Two, whenever the two girls are together --  and from the sound of your letter, I think you probably hope that isn't often.

Drum Major Lacks Enthusiasm

Dear Miss Emily:

So I'm marching dci all this summer. Dci is basically professional marching band, but I realized in the first week that it wasn't for me. Here's the problem:  I was appointed my high schools drum major and them knowing I was doing dci all summer certainly helped my selection. So here is my question: Do I continue to do something I hate all summer, or do I call it quits and disappoint my family friends and band directors?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

 I know this isn't what you want to read, but I think you need to continue to do what you hate all summer -- hoping the accolades will make up for the misery you think you'll encounter. You made a commitment, I think you need to follow through, and that's what makes you the stand-up guy I'm sure you are at heart. I hated when this happened to me. But I also learned from the experience, and there may be something in it for you that's good and you can't even anticipate at this point in time. It's three months -- a teacher of discipline, and a learning experience you may never forget. Next summer you can call the shots.

Ten Year-old Girl Questions A Friendship

Dear Emily,

I'm 10 me and my friend and I have been friends for a year now. I feel she doesn't wanna be friends because she doesn't like to hug me or stuff like that, but she hugs other friends. I don't know what do you think i should do? Please reply. I need help.Thank you Emily

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

Ask yourself, what are the good things about the relationship? I can see why you would feel hurt if you are the only friend she's not hugging -- but that would be a minor issue if she were a good friend in many other ways. And that's what it really boils down to -- is she a good friend in ways that truly count? Only you can answer that question. But when I was your age, I remember being hurt by certain friends who didn't treat me well -- but I stuck around, no matter what. To be honest, it was a poor decision. I should have had the courage to find friends who were worth my time and effort. And that's what I think you should do. Decide how good a friend she is in areas that count, and if the friendship is worth your effort. No one is perfect, but you should know if you are not getting what you want from the friendship, and if it's actually hurting you rather than making your life healthier and happier.

Finished University And I'm Lost

Dear Miss Emily:

Okay, I have just finished university, I didn't get the mark I wanted, but a 2.2 is better than nothing or that's what I'm being told. My degree was in history and I have no idea what to do now. I lack confidence in my abilities, I was going to go into teaching, but I don't know if I could hack it. I think one of the reasons is that I have been in an unhealthy relationship where I feel trapped and my confidence has been knocked. I have options to leave, but it would be unhealthy in that environment also, though no one would be financially dependent on me. The only drawback with that scenario is that I think my boyfriend might harass me to come back.He says he loves me and I don't think I love him anymore, and I need a clean breakup -- but I don't think this will happen, and it would lead to him feeling like I betrayed him. I want to have my freedom, and being able to stand on my own two feet, but I feel so lost. With my financial situation not the best and losing out on a first class degree, I am not sure what to do. Do I leave my boyfriend to move back with my parents even though my brother lives there, is mentally unstable and is the reason I left in the first place, and try to get a job, or onto a course -- or do I stay with my boyfriend of nearly 6 years, try to figure out what to do, whilst he depends upon me financially and hope for the best. It seems like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place, and I can't see myself happy in either situation.

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

Question: Who is in charge of your life? If the answer is "You" then you have choices. If the answer is "My boyfriend and everyone else in my life" then stay put, let others control your life, but don't complain when it doesn't turn out the way you want -- but it will only turn out the way others want it. I can't believe, if you were to be completely honest with yourself, that you staying with your boyfriend, or going home to your parents with an unstable brother living in the house are your only options. Yes, you didn't make the grade you wanted at university but, because you didn't, that should not preclude you from finding something in your field that would be fulfilling. Teaching may not be a long-term answer to your career ambitions, but saying you can't hack it is deciding you can't do it before you even try it! Teaching can be an incredibly rewarding experience,and, if it were to lose its luster, you could shift careers, then. But telling me that your hands are tied  because you don't want your boyfriend to feel betrayed is a weak argument. He is responsible for his life and you, yours. Frankly, I think its an excuse for not taking control of your life. Now, that said, I know how hard it is to do that sometimes. We get trapped in circumstances we don't feel we can control. But again, as long as you let these circumstances control you, frankly, you'll never be happy or satisfied in your life. There are many people who go to their graves with regrets. But you have the education, the smarts, and a lot going for you if you take charge of your life and forgo the excuses that hold you back. Don't be one of those who have nothing but regrets. You don't have to be, but you need to understand that and make the changes necessary to succeed.

COMSUMER ALERT

DEAR READER -- THIS IS A CONSUMER ALERT!

Update on LG Dryer -- new dryer purchased on Feb., 2010 -- still not fixed!

Just a reminder to anyone who wants to purchase LG products on the US government rebate program on energy efficient appliances!

I  bought an LG gas dryer, model DLG1320W. I ordered it from U S Appliance on Feb. 2, '10. Approximately 10 days later it was delivered. The gas heat element went out after 3 days. U S Appliance passed me on to the LG customer service division, in India. A local LG serviceman ordered the part and it was fixed 10 days later -- only to find out the motherboard also needed replacing because the sensor was faulty -- but he said it could be used without the sensor. One load later, the gas heat element went out, again. The motherboard is supposed to fix this problem. It's been ordered. I bought the dryer for $600 on Feb. 2, and now it's over two months later and no workable dryer, yet. Another consumer on the Internet warned of these problems with the LG gas dryer -- this model. Before buying anything, check the Internet for consumer complaints. This is one time I didn't, and I am sorry now!   



I'm Not The One

Dear Miss Emily,

I've been close to this guy since December of 2008. He and I used to really like each other. He swept me off my feet and before I knew it, I thought I had found "the one". I told him I loved him, but he never once said it back to me, even though he was okay with me saying it to him and expressing myself. I was okay with that and I figured that maybe I fell faster than he did. But then I soon found out about his last relationship with another girl. We stayed very close even thought he was still hurt, and I spent months trying to "heal" him and show him that I could be good for him. I've fought to hold onto him for so long, but in the process I've gotten so hurt from his lack in returned feelings. I knew I was getting myself into something difficult, and I promised to wait it out and stick to it until he was happy again and we were together, but it's wearing me out. We argue often even though I do everything possible to keep him happy. I know we could be happy together if he tried, but he can't seem to get over his ex. He really loved her. I will admit that I get very jealous whenever he talks about her. He gave her everyhting and she treated him like he meant nothing to her. He's still so loyal to her despite everything she's done to hurt him, but he doesn't seem to notice me right in front of him, willing to love him and make him happy. Whenever I talk with him about our problems, he shuts me out after saying a simple and almost careless "I know". It's so hard for me to want to be with him now, but I keep holding on. I've sat down with my girlfriends and talked with them, trying to get advice, but the only thing they have to say is "leave him." I don't want to walk away from someone that I love so much. Just recently, we got into another argument and we haven't spoken until yesterday when I went to text him and try to talk things out since we both had our space for the last few days. When I texted him, he said he was glad that I said something because only a few minutes before, he was falling apart. I asked him why that was and his response made me sick. His ex was talking to him a few days ago and they were getting to be on good terms again. He invited her to stay with him for the weekend and he even gave her a key to his appartment. But everything went downhill when she turned around and said to him the following day that she was done with him and didn't want anything to do with him. He was crushed. I called him and we spent the evening talking and I listened as he cried and told me everything. I'm disappointed that he would go back to her instantly like that, but I guess that's what happens when your in love with someone. Ever since then, I've been shaken. I feel like I never meant anything to him, despite all the trust we had. I look back at all the good times we've had together and I wish I could go back to those days. I was cleaning up after his ex and trying to help him like  I've been doing the whole time, but he was able to be happy with me then. now he's never happy with me and I feel worthless even though I'm trying everything I can to make things better. I just need some guidance. I need someone to give me some good, honest advice and some encouragement. Please help. Thank you for reading this. It means a lot that there's someone out there that will listen and try to help. Thanks so much.

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

Your friends tell you to leave him, but you want, what -- me to tell you to hang in there? You have invested a great deal of your time with this man hoping that he would see how much you were sacrificing and reward you with his love -- yet he pined for another woman, and treated you more like a friend (or parent) with whom he could vent his hurt and anger that the woman he truly loved rejected him. His response "I know" was nothing more than an agreement to his not being in love with you, and you kept letting it happen, objecting to it and hoping he was only naive, or just plan wrong about his feelings. He's not in denial, you are! Now, after his attempt to get his ex back, she throws him under the bus, again, and you are there to listen. Here's the thing:  If all this time you weren't enough for him -- but he suddenly had a turnaround, would you ever really believe he loved you, now, after all you did to win his love and only got "I know" from him the entire time you were together? And how long would that last? It's time to take responsibility for your part in this drama and pinpoint where the problem exists. To me, I can't imagine hanging on to a man like this, unless I was incapable of having any love for myself. And that may be the nucleus of the problem -- how you see yourself. If you have any self-respect, you'll walk away and work on your self-esteem.  When you give in a relationship and get little or nothing back, the reason for staying is more your problem than his. 

Mom Taken For Granted

Dear Miss Emily:

 It is Easter, and I have done all the things for my family like making them baskets and cooking Easter breakfast, and dinner.  I did not even get a card, lily or hug and I am feeling totally taken for granted and unloved by my kids and husband. Is this a common complaint you get or am I being a cry baby?

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice------------------------

No you're not. But I know from my own experience, if you do it all, others are going to let you. Moms often set a precedent in these matters, it's a big mistake, and that's how they go unnoticed. Next time, ask for help and see how it goes. If the words won't leave your mouth, or you think the family will look at you like you grew a second head, lesson your load by simplifying your duties. You can make it a nice day if you include yourself in the fun, and don't overdo by setting the stage to be treated like Hazel the maid. Sure, it would be great if your family looked at you and said, "You know, you do so much for us, what can we do for you?" In your dreams. People who get what they want aren't afraid to ask for it, and usually get it. Those who sit back and ask for nothing in return, open the flood gates for future disappointment.

LG Gas Dryer Nightmare

DEAR READER -- THIS IS A CONSUMER ALERT!

I  bought an LG gas dryer, model DLG1320W. I ordered it from U S Appliance on Feb. 2, '10. Approximately 10 days later it was delivered. The gas heat element went out after 3 days. U S Appliance passed me on to the LG customer service division, in India. A local LG serviceman ordered the part and it was fixed 10 days later -- only to find out the motherboard also needed replacing because the sensor was faulty -- but he said it could be used without the sensor. One load later, the gas heat element went out, again. The motherboard is supposed to fix this problem. It's been ordered. I bought the dryer for $600 on Feb. 2, and now it's over two months later and no workable dryer, yet. Another consumer on the Internet warned of these problems with the LG gas dryer -- this model. Before buying anything, check the Internet for consumer complaints. This is one time I didn't, and I am sorry now!   




(Page 4 of 8)   « Prev  2  3  
4
  5  6  Next »