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Hello, and welcome to AskMissEmily.com. My name is Emily, and it is my passion to help people of all ages. I have designed this site for anyone who needs a rational solution to everyday problems.

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Past Haunts New Relationship

 Miss Emily:
 
I have a slight complicated question well, at least, I think it is. Let me start by saying that I am currently in a almost 2 year relationship with the man of my dreams. Everything was going great up until about 4 or 5 months ago.  We entered the relationship we told each other everything. So later there would be no surprises. Well, my past relationship had some extreme circumstances. I was with my child's father for almost 7 years, on and off . We got together when i was 13 amd he was 18. I thought it was great. I didn't have a father figure i guess he filled that role. Everything was great for the first 3 years. I thought I was in love but then he started cheating, beating me, and forced me to have sex. I got pregnant, and  he got someone else pregnant --  married someone else -- then came back to me. And i took him back. I WAS SO STUPID! So now when I got with my new man, over time I expressed all the bad that happened to me,  he comforted me, and said he would never do it to me -- but now it's affecting him badly. Now that were starting to want to have future kids, and things like, he think I will never truly love him because of all the bad that I let happen to me by my ex.  He never feels all the way secure with our relationship.  Now my question is how do we overcome this, because my way of trying to overcome it is with "I love you" and affection, but he said that makes it worse. It makes him think I did that with my ex. We love each other dearly, but it's taking a toll on our relrelationship. What can I do?

------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------

He's not being rational about this, because he's as much saying you are incapable of recognizing a good man. And he is a good man, isn't he? -- unless he doesn't feel that's the case, and he's the one who thinks he's unworthy of your love. Maybe the whole horror of your past has finally dawned on him, and he can't reconcile how anyone could be in that position. But whatever the reason, he's forcing you to wear the shroud of your past, even when you were fortunate enough to let it go. He gives you no credit for growing, learning, maturing, and accepting a good relationship. But this relationship won't last if he punishes you for a past you cannot change. You being forthcoming to him has become a weapon he uses against you. And that's not fair, nor right. I'm not sure what chance you have of going to couples' counseling to work at this, but it could help you save this relationship. If it's a money issue, however, at some point, he's going to have to let you live in the future and not the past. You were a vulnerable young girl when your ex took over your life. Where he belongs is in jail, but injustice is not uncommon. Bottom line: If he refuses to let this go, you're going to have to let him go. I am so sorry. You've suffered enough for the garbage life thrown your way, and to be punished twice for something that happened at a time when you were the most vulnerable, had no real guidance from family, and were left to make big decisions with a child's mind is cruel. If he doesn't understand this, he lacks true understanding of the nature of abuse.
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