Dear Miss Emily:

 I dated a guy for about two years. Everything was fine, until Sept. It felt like he was pushing away from me and, of course, me being the caring person I am, I was like what’s going on? I got frustrated with him. I felt like I was putting all my effort into this relationship to make it work.  I got frustrated with him several times, I have to admit..Things just weren't the same. Then one time, we had a little scrap. He thought we needed to take a break from each other. We did, but I felt like I needed to help him figure things out, so I called and texted him. He got more frustrated with me. He called me when he wanted to talk and see if  I was ok, but I wasn’t to call him. I felt like I was dirt compared to everything else in his world. I’d had enough, and I called him from a pay phone and screamed at him! We met the next day to talk about stuff. He said I think its better
that we break up and you don't deserve this! .He would still call me, like before and, of course, being the caring person I am, I would call him to talk and, usually, press him to tell me what I did wrong.  He said, “It’s not you, it’s me. I don't know what I want in my life and its not fair to you."  As I do, I pushed him, frustrated him and, then, one day he said to me, “Could you please stop calling me!”  He said he doesn't love me anymore, its more of a friend thing. So I didn't talk to him for a while. Then I began to think that  no one really cared about my feelings, and I felt really lost in my life. I still do, and I am not happy about who I am. I need someone to talk to about things, and the only person I could ever really talk to, about life and such, was him. I called him and we talked.  He kept saying to me “I do care but its not in the way you want.” But to tell you the truth I don't know what I want. He also said to me “If you find the right person, please take him, promise me?” We had a good talk, just like the talks we used to have – all the time. It felt nice. He said “I don't know what lies ahead for the future, but we can start hanging out again next month. I don't know. What do you think about the whole situation?
Lost Soul

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------


Dear Lost:

What do I think about the situation?  You really want to know?  There are a couple of things that trouble me to no end.  He seems to have too much power over your life.  I ask myself why could this be?  Did you give your power to him, leaving none for yourself – or did you never have any, and need him to supply it   Either way, you’re screwed, because that means you care so little about yourself, and know so little about who you are that this relationship, as lousy as if is, is better than nothing.  You don’t get the fact that, in this case, nothing is an opportunity to create something – and I mean, something better than what you have with him.  In fairness to this guy, you don’t seem to get the message that he’s lost interest but, in fairness to you, saying that “We can start hanging out together next month” puts him back in control, and you are setting yourself up for more of the same frustrations.  You can’t scream or beg someone into loving you, and you appear weak and unattractive when you project this unflattering behavior.  You say, “being the caring person I am,” to me, sounds like you’re really saying, “Being the needy, whiner I am...”  Go back and read all of the letters I have written in my “relationships-women” section off to the left of my website.  You’ll see similar letters from women (girls) who allow their world to revolve around a man (or boy) and are desperate to keep them no matter what the circumstances.  It doesn’t sound all that fun to me, because there is a lot to enjoy in this world.  Beating your head against a wall is not one of them.