Dear Miss Emily:

I asked people about this and all they told me was to leave her, but that's not what I want to do. I only want to make sure she wont do this again , so here it is... I am a 20 yr old girl. I live with my 42 yr old girlfriend. Regardless of the age difference we both love each other very much , however her parents seem to dislike me. I got into a fight with her mom which led to me verbally insulting her, and when we got home we had a fight about it which got even more and more tense and, then, for the first time she physically held me against my will. She used her weight to pin me down. My wrist is bruised now, and she hit me (spanked me, but its still consider hitting), and I repeatedly told her to stop hitting me as she was hurting me -- but she didn't stop, not even when I cried. I have never seen her react this way! She is a very loving, nice person and no matter what any one says I know she is kind and loving and loves me a lot. She says she goes through hell trying to defend "us" without having to worry about me acting like a "brat" even though I was only defending myself. Her mom was obviously trying to tick me off.  I honestly, as insane as it may sound, believe her mom told her to hit me because she has never done such thing like this before. How do I make sure she won't hit me again? please help thanks.

-----------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

I don't think you can make sure it will never do it, again. I know, it's easy for friends to say "leave," but it's so much more complicated than a "See ya around, bitch." However, it was an offensive, scary display of anger. I see that she "snapped" and when that happens a person can lose control. It's almost similar to stopping before you shoot a gun in anger -- you either do it, or you don't, and there are consequences if you shoot. But why she has this anger is the bigger issue and it has to be addressed if your relationship is going to survive. You need to take a look at the reason she thinks she needs to defend you (and herself). Is it because she is involved with a girl 22 years her junior, or does she really think you are unnecessarily provoking her mother's wrath? Some parents aren't terribly accepting of a gay child's lifestyle and, although they may love their child, they may also be angry, or frustrated and, in this case, lashed out at you. But your girlfriend is 42, and she should be capable of handling this is a mature fashion and set boundaries when needed. Unless either one of you has a screw loose, it's going to take two to make this work. In both situations, each of you acted out in anger, although a physical display of anger is, by legal standards, assault. Her mother is not going to go away, and if you want to continue a relationship with your girlfriend, you need to sit down with her and rationally figure out a way to handle any future confrontations. If you don't, it will matter less about how this one event played out, than the fact that you and she don't see eye-to-eye on certain key issues, and it will eventually destroy the relationship.