Dear Miss Emily:

I  have been with my girlfriend for a year now, we met on a dating website she is 3 years older than me and we get on really well. I love her to bits and think the world of her. The problem is we have not had sex at all. She is still a virgin -- she says it hurts when we try to do it. We've seen a doctor who has actually done an operation to try help the problem. but she still can't bring herself to do it. I'm trying my best to be there for her, but i feel that it's coming between us. I started to feel this way after we had been together 5 months. She isn't to bothered about the sex thing only that she knows it bugs me. Every time i mention it we fall out or she starts crying so i say it doesn't matter. I can't talk to her about it without her getting upset. The other thing that makes it even harder is she tries to compensate by wearing sexy underwear. But it just feels like she is teasing me. I have found myself asking if i really want to be with her. But i love being with her but the spark is gone for me. What do i do?

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

It's unreasonable to be in a relationship when one partner wants a sexual relationship and the other does not (or can't). No matter her situation and feelings on this subject, you have every right to expect sexual intimacy in a loving, committed relationship and, as painful as a breakup would be, it seems in order. What you have is a friendship with "hope" for more, but it lacks the intimacy you desire -- and sexy underwear is not a substitute for the real thing. I get it, it's tough, and I feel for her -- but your life is equally important, and if you continue on this path it will probably lead to nowhere. She may need psychological counseling for this problem because fear may be what is a large part of it. But you are unhappy, you are spinning your wheels, and I wouldn't let this drag on too much longer.