Dear Miss Emily:

I was married to a man for 16 years and got divorced 2 years
ago. Things are still very ugly between us, because I had an
affair and got caught. My issue is that I have found a wonderful
man a year and a half ago. He adores me, spoils me, and is a total
yes man. He makes me laugh, gives me tons of affection, buy's me
anything I want, and all my friends and family adore him. I don't
know what my problem is. I don't feel gaga over him. I like him and
know I am lucky, but he just doesn't do it for me and find myself
criticizing him, constantly, and everything he does is wrong in
my eyes. He also is wonderful to my daughter and has put up with
more stuff from my life than any man should ever have to. I have
done a lot of wrong in my past, and I'm now a much better person.
He has helped my through everything. Even though I feel I am not
happy with him, I get extremly jealous and have pushed all females
friends out of his life and throw a huge fit if he gets on his email.
I check his phone records at least ten times a day, and question him
about everything. He says I have to get over this jealousy thing, and
I am the women he has been waiting for his whole life and his family
says that this is the happiest they have ever seen him. I just dont know
what my problem is?? Any help or advice would be nice.
Between a Rock and a Hard Place

--------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------


Dear Between:

Some people can't be successful in a relationship no matter
what. It's a fact that we often choose relationships based
on negative factors that influenced us as children. We gravitate
to what we were conditioned to accept in our formative years. Here
are some examples: Abused children often grow up to be abusers or,
conversely, pick those who will be abusive. If a child is treated
like "God's gift to the world," he or she may never be happy with
anyone who doesn't view them as royalty. If a child is criticized,
or sees criticism as a way of relating, he or she may carry on that
trait in adulthood. I'm not sure why you can't love this man, but it
seems to me that you don't respect him. Maybe you feel you don't
deserve it (why would I want to be a part of a club that would have
me as a member?), or he just doesn't float your boat. As to why he
loves you and takes the knocks is sad, but maybe he sees something
in you that you obviously don't see! Unless he's a therapist
and you are a case study, he's wrong if he thinks he can change you.
Eliminating his friends and monitoring his e-mails and phone records is
a control issue and a sign of incredible insecurity on your part and, I
might add, a sign of weakness on his. A strong man would have given
you an ultimatum: "Do it again, and you're history." I would give this a
hard analysis, and if you say you are a better person these
days, let this man go. You can't force yourself to love him just because
he's a decent person. And you can't listen to those who think you're nuts
if you let this man off the hook. You might be moving in the right direction
as far as being the person you want to be, but wait until you are there before
you commit to anyone. To do otherwise, is asking for a repeat of the past.