Dear Miss Emily

While my b/f left to go visit his "cousin", I accidentally came across his open e-mail page and discovered that he's actually at an old flame's house and they have plans of starting a relationship.  While I'm angry and hurt, I'm also in shock.  We are having a lot of arguments and he said that after the New Year came in that "it is what it is," pertaining to us.  Looking back, he had already fallen in love with someone else.  While he should be apologetic, all he keeps saying is that I've been telling you over and over that it's not working.  I still love him very much and want to work things out but I feel so betrayed because of the way he went about it, not ending the relationship and moving out before pursuing someone else.  I had an "I don't care" attitude because he had one but I thought that he still had some kind of feeling for me and that's why he was still living with me.  He left me with the car and I have to pick him up from the depot tomorrow and I'm confused.  I refuse to beg him because he's the one who's dead wrong but I'm not ready to let him go.  I do realize how my mistakes came into play and may have persuaded him to do what he's doing.  I couldn't see it at the time, but I did not trust a situation that seemed so suspicious and he told me over and over again that there was nothing to it.  I let my emotions and insecurities get the best of me and found out this week, with proof, that he was telling the truth.  What can I do to persuade him that I'm not ready for it to be over without "begging" a cheater for another chance. I believe my actions have played a big part in this but we had been through so much, I never thought he would do something so hurtful to me.  Understandably, we communicated by email while he's been there and out of anger, hurt, and shock, some parts of my emails were probably the wrong time to let him have it and give him a piece of my mind.  He understands that part, but do you think that I have any chance of working things out once he gets back?  I asked him what his plans were once coming home and he said he didn't know and we will discuss the matter when he gets here.  I'm scared.  All advice in my favor would be greatly appreciated.  I don't have much time left so I'm hoping I will get some help from you before he gets here.  Thank you so much.

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

I hope this e-mail doesn't come too late, but I'm not sure how much light I can shed on your relationship as it stands. However, as I tell many of my advice seekers, there is no magic wand (and anyone who reads my column religiously know that!), and that's what we all want when we go into desperate mode. You feel terribly threatened and insecure by these recent developments but, as you know, this did not occur out of thin air, but a process of disagreements, personality conflicts, and an inability to find common ground. I think he's already made some kind of decision based on his trip to see this woman, and if it all went well, he may very well have decided he wants to be with her, right now. All that is needed is for him to let you know it, put a plan in motion and execute it. It's painful, there's no doubt about that, but part of the pain comes from feeling as if you have failed --  but if you honesty look at the relationship, were rational about it, you would more than likely come to the conclusion that it was not going to work no matter how it all unfolded. If I were you, I'd maintain a posture of letting him know how sorry you are that it all came to this, and be willing to show him that you understand how it did. Remind him that you care deeply for him and hope that you and he can find some peace with each other, and remain friends, if possible. Of course, that's a big "if" because even though people may have the best intentions to remain friends, they often move on and leave the past behind. Please let me know about your talk with him, and what went down. You finding his e-mail was probably a sign that, although he might have been careless about allowing you to see it, he didn't really care if you did.