Dear Miss Emily:

I am married, but am not enjoying it. We are constantly disagreeing. Now there is a guy I got to know just before I got married who has been very nice to me and is willing to do things for me, very caring and dependable. Now I feel I'm in love with him and can't seem to get him out of my mind, but I feel I'm living in a fool's paradise cos he is married, as well. How do I stop thinking about him in that way? I feel if he feels the same way he would be calling or mailing me, constantly, but we only get in touch once in a while now because we live in different countries --  unlike when we were living in the same city, He calls me at 6a.m sometimes, I'm confused really.

--------------Miss Emily's advice-----------

 
It's a tough spot to be in when you are married -- things are going badly and someone else turns your head. In your case, this married friend who now lives in another country keeps that strong temptation to cheat at a low boil. That's a good thing until you find out what you really want before you do something you will regret.  For now, do everything you can to keep your marriage together. Sit down with your spouse and set goals on areas you want to improve in your marriage. It can't be done alone, so if your husband is not on board with getting your marriage back on track, then you can make the decision to throw in the towel once you feel you have tried everything to repair the damage.  Control the situation with carefully chosen words.  Keep  accusations out of the conversation and you have a better chance of making things work out in your favor. Never put him on the defensive -- it leads to more anger, gives him an excuse to take no action, and that leads to nowhere. Marriage is work, and it always will be.  Oh sure, there are some relationships that seem to work effortlessly, but that is a rare thing, indeed. You were in love once.  See if you can rekindle what you had before you think life would be better without him.  It seems to me that we can have intimate relationships with many people on this planet if we so desire but, in marriage, we choose one person -- with hope of fidelity, and it's best to try to keep it together by growing together. Once an insidious erosion takes a firm hold, it's next to impossible to find your way back to each other. That's when you start to wonder how it ever happened that you even liked the person, let alone loved him (or her).  Your marriage may have been wrong from the start, but don't let it go until you are sure that is the case.