Dear Miss Emily:

Hello, I am feeling so hurt right now.  I recently broke up with my boyfriend of 2 years. We've had some problems in the past where I am too overprotective and insecure and I would always say I'm going to change and we would try at it again. I know I have to change this about myself but now I think i'ts too late. His mother came to visit from his country and I guess he had told her that he wanted to engage me.  She told him that he can do whatever he wants but she will not approve of it. She also told him that I will give him problems in the future and that I don't deserve him and that he needs someone who deserves him, and the only reason he loves me is because he is a good person or else he would have left a long time ago. He recently went with his mother and brother out of town for his brother's engagement, and he completely ignored me. I was wondering what was going on and thought things through -- that if his mother does not like me there can  never be a chance that he will ask me for marriage. When he came back I went to talk to him and told him that he had been acting differently, and I know that because of his mom he would not ask me for marriage since she does not approve. I told him I was there to give him what he seems to always want. That day we broke up, and I think for good which pains me so much. He started crying, which I never saw from him and saying "I'm sorry" so many times and that he wanted his mom to like me. He was hugging me so tight and we just didn't want to let go. He said he was scared that something is going to happen to his mom, since she started crying to him that she doesn't want him to be with me because I will hurt him by being so overprotective. He was saying can you please forgive me and asked me to please let him still hear from me at least once a month, or every two months to know about my life. He kept saying to please forgive him and to say hi to my mother and that he's sorry -- which i found to be even more hurtful because how could you even say that. He also quoted the Quran in his decision that you should please god, then your parents and then yourself on why we were ending it. I am not a bad person and I am working on changing this aspect of being insecure and overprotective about myself but the mother does not see this. He also told me that he wanted so badly for me to be the person he will marry and the person that didn't bother him or be too overbearing and that he gave me so many chances. He said that the reason he ignored me when he went out of town is to try to see if he can go days without talking to me and would it be hard, and that his mom also advised him to do this. He has also said that he swears everything was real and that he has never told any girl this but he will never forget me. My sister thinks that the reason his mom is doing this is because I'm from a different ethnic background but she knew of me before and seemed ok with it. I love him so much and I don't know what to do. I want him back in my life, and it's hurting me so bad I wish we can work it through. I feel that the hope is fading and that what if he's doing all this because he has someone else in mind or his mother found him someone else from his background. He has told me that the way he was acting was because he was in a dilemma and usually he would take his family's side. It been a day, now, and he hasn't called or texted me or anything. I feel how is it that easy for him to let go if he says he loves me?  How is it easy for him not to want to contact me? When we broke up he told me he's sorry and that he wishes that I find someone better than him, and that he told his mom that he's not looking for anyone for marriage anymore. Its hurting so bad wondering if he will ever come back. How would I get him back? Can you please help me? Thank you

----------------Miss Emily's advice--------------

I think the only thing you can do at this point, through all of the pain, is to realize that, although you love him deeply, a future with him was always going to be uncertain and extremely complicated because you do not fit the mold.  If indeed he is driven by his desire to please god (by his definition) and "his" family first, you would always be subservient to these powerful forces -- and you must believe in your heart, when thinking rationally, that this would never be right for you.  Insecurity is an unhealthy emotion in a relationship, and from that comes a need to control.  But in your case, it might be that your need to feel worthy was driven by your feelings of rejection -- and limited status. You should only want him back if he were to understand that any life with you, were you two to marry and have your own family, would have to be his first priority.  Do not blame his family for what he decided to do -- it was, ultimately, his decision to make.  If I  were you, I would not let him see you in a weakened state. When you talk to him, assure him that you love him but do not beg him to take you back.  If he ever realizes that he made a mistake, let him come to you because you were there as a source of strength rather than weakness.  This is hard, I know.  Matters of the heart are seldom free of hurt.  Take it a day at a time, and write to me when you need a shoulder to cry on.