Dear Miss Emily:

My husband is cheating.  He is constantly on his cell phone with other woman, and I heard a message where he is telling one woman, who says she's pregnant by him and wants an abortion, not to do it.  We have been trying to get pregnant, but have been unsuccessful.  Both me and my husband are 30 years of age. We've been together since college and have been together for almost 12 years. He is a type to lose his temper, especially when we engage in a fight. We've fought most of the time about his cellphone as he gets late night phone calls from women and sms's at odd hours of the day. We decided at some stage that I would leave his cellphone alone and I have already stopped checking it for a while now.  Just recently, he's been dropping his phone calls pretending he's having a problem with his signal when you could hear the person talking on the other side, and his phone is either on silent or he would leave it in the lounge when we go to sleep. I respected that, but at the same time it really bothered me until I decided to check his phone while he was gone to the shops. We have at some stage separated and he begged me to come back.  He apologised and we got back together,  again. Every time we separate, I would miss him a lot and would end up going back to him.  He is a very nice person and caring when he's not angry, and we've become each others pillar of strength and have been through thick and thin. I think that's the reason mostly I cannot leave this man. I do feel somehow abused in all aspects of life, but I still love him and still want to be with him.  Our relationship has been complicated from the word go. Please enlighten me.

----------------Miss Emily's advice-------------

Why do I feel that there isn't much I can say that would help you?  I could tell you that no matter how deep the attachment, the history, the support system you claim to share, he is coercive, controlling, and disrespectful beyond belief.  But how would that change your feelings when you say you still love him and want to be with him? You see, from my point of view, if a man did this to me, I would go ballistic and, then, move with no forwarding address.  A good relationship is based on trust and mutual respect.  You know what is going on, has gone on, and yet you still come back to him.  So you cannot leave, but you want someone to tell you it's okay to be angry, and to support you no matter what.  Fine, I'll do that.  I'll go one step further:  Stay with him, and leave his cell phone alone.  Accept what you seem to not be able to change and, maybe, if your boyfriend has a child with this woman, you can welcome his child with open arms, settle for being a part of his life (unless he leaves you) but not the most important part -- because that slot is filled by him and his need to be with other women.  I am sorry you are not able to get pregnant with him, but I'm wondering if it would be even harder for you to be with a man who left you home alone with the baby while he is out with his girlfriend (s).