Dear Miss Emily:


 Quick over view. Met a Spanish lady (early thirties, I think) at a coffee shop in Cambodia. I asked her for her number, got it. When on a few dates, mostly drinking and dancing and coffee and dinner. I just spent 8 hours on bus to the middle of the jungle to visit her. I have become infatuated with her in less than 5 weeks.  I thought being a middle-age man, the fine-line between  romancing and obsessing was wider, but I am getting the feeling I am leaning toward obsessing. I love to romance and it make me feel good to make her feel good and smile. While visiting her we sat on a porch, drank wine by candle light, talked, laughed and had sex for three days. In the worst way, I want to chase her and fall in love with her and she has made it clear several times that is not where her heart is but,  in the next breath, she will call me darling, tell me to come back  very soon, then she will seem to get jealous about something I said. She took a phone call from a long-time boyfriend while I was visiting and had the conversation in front of me with no guilt whatsoever. He is coming to visit her soon for 2 weeks. It seems to me she wants more than anything for me to be her friend. Her mother and father have died in the last 5 years, and I am sure she has a broken heart inside and I am the rescuing type. I have received so many mixed messages from the women in my life. I get the feeling I may be over playing my romantic hand with her. I risk losing her as a friend , lose her respect, and lose her as a potential mate. So logic says to back off, get on with your life, and let it manifest a while. I am finding this so difficult to do. I had one of those upbringings by a stoic mother that never showed love, or said it -- it was supposed to be implied.  I could write for pages but just need a little advise on why do I do this? Should I do this? Damn this is tough.  PS:  I am a teacher looking for work, and have stayed in this country, longer than expected, because of her.  She is a professional who lives in Europe, but is here on a work assignment that could last a year.

 

---------------Miss Emily's advice-------------

With your comment about your mother (and the same is true for women and their father's with the same history) there is often an underlying deep need for approval and winning, even when the circumstances dictate a different outcome. You may be projecting this to the women you have encountered, and it is perceived as pressure or suffocation. True on not, it all boils down to accepting the truth about this relationship, at this moment in time, rather than hoping it evolves into what the mind fantasizes. Some people are willing to go through the effort, no matter the outcome, because they are compelled to do so.  Others will weigh the facts, and decide to opt out if the emotional challenge seems too great.  I don't know where you will go with this, but if you are hoping to convince this woman that your relationship with her is written in the stars, it seems you have your work cut out for you.  Sure, she enjoys your company and the heady experience of being wanted, but she has told you she also wants her freedom.  You may need to believe that her trepidation is related to the loss of her parents, but that is a stretch.  Could I be wrong?  Sure.  But the circumstances, as you have stated -- her age, your job status, and her need to be independent is not a recipe for absolute success.