Dear Miss Emily:

 I am engaged to "The Love of My Life."  At first, he was not a good guy. All my family friends, and loved ones pleaded with me to give him up. But I just couldn't.  He had a soft and vulnerable side only I could see.  Years later, we finally established a healthy and loving relationship. Every one we know and value call us a perfect match. He has changed greatly. He cares and supports me in every way you can think of.  I am truly blessed.  But deep down in my heart, I hold a terrible  secret! I've developed feelings for his best friend, from pre-school.  They are like brothers. At first, it all started with mild flirtation and joking.  He would always say to my B/F that he was a lucky guy to have someone who loves him so much. We hung out as a group, almost daily.
 In time, I stared to develop feelings for this friend – a crush you can say. I decided to ignore what I felt, but I would secretly look forward to his visits. I knew it was wrong. How could I even betray my B/F like that? I tried to stop hanging out with my B/F and his friend so I can avoid these "feelings.”  I mean, isn't that what you are supposed to do? One night, suddenly "it" happened. After bailing out a couple of times, my B/F started to yearn for my company.  He said it wasn't the same without me there to join in on all the fun.  I, then, began to go out with them a little at a time.  One night, while my B/F was being the life of the party at a local bar, his friend and I were enjoying each other’s company. We flirted a bit, but it  seemed different. We were way too trusting of each other's thoughts. He hinted that he had a crush on me, as well.  Later that night,  I walked him to his car and we talked about what was said about our "crushes.”  We decided that it was foolish and stupid, but we both leaned in for a kiss.  It felt great, like a enormous release of pressure waiting to be set free. I didn't want it to stop. Alcohol was involved, and I wrote that night off as a huge mistake. The next day he  texted me about what had happened. We apologized, but that was not the end of it.  Now, we continue to talk and sometimes see each other.  I can honestly say we have not been, and will not be, intimate!  I'm not looking for that.  In fact,  I'm not sure what I'm doing!  We know that this is not going anywhere.  In the past, I believe my B/F had some infidelity, and some flirtations, as well. I've caught a couple of texts on his phone that could be conceived in negative or honest ways. Jealousy, on my part, has occured after seeing his friend attract other girls. But hello,  I'm the one who's engaged!. I
shouldn't even think like that.  His friend and I agree that it is wrong for us to speak with each other. He has admitted to me that he finds me attractive
and has had "private" thoughts about me. We have agreed not to cross the line and sleep together, even though we have had opportunities. It’s wrong, yes, but at the same time, it feels so right. My B/F trusts and loves me and his friend so much. My world would end if he found out, but I don't know how to end this, if I even want to. I'm so lost and ashamed.  Please feel free to advise me in ANY way. It might hurt, but I need some outside advice.
Torn
                                            
---------------------------Miss Emily’advice-----------------------------------


Dear Torn:

In a perfect world, none of this would happen.  But sad to say, we are all too human and emotions (hormones) often overrule, making our lives more complicated and, sometimes, even ruin them.  I do know one thing, for all of your endless compliments about your boyfriend he, obviously, isn’t enough, so don’t think marriage will solve this problem.  You mentioned that in the past you think he has had his own flirtations and infidelities.  Okay, your point? Are you using this to rationalize your behavior? You are in the worst possible position.  Cheating, and that’s really what you are doing, is dangerous enough when doing it with someone only you know, but your fiance’s best friend?  It’s deadly. Like it or not, you’ve fallen hard for this guy and only you can weigh the options.  I will spell them out for you, because it’s better to see it in print.  Continue on like this and, in time, your B/F is going to catch on.  How will you feel when he does?  Relieved?  Knowing that you have placed the ball in his court?   I doubt he would take it well and, I think, he would show you the door. Who knows what would happen to his “best friend.”  The friendship would be damaged.  Trust? Shot-to-hell.  But you would be free to proceed with this man, leaving your ex to try to make sense of it. Hopefully, he would  adjust to the fact that, although it sucks, these things happen.  Or – cut this thing off before it goes where you say it won’t, but you know it will.  I can see it now, afterward, you two talking over a Starbucks, about how wrong it was and vowing to never let it happen, again. But, of course, it would.  If you do take the option of cooling it, this will give you an opportunity to truly see whether your fiancé is the man you think he is and want to marry.  Start living in the real world and listen to the voice of reason.  That way, if you are really right for each other, you will realize it without having to risk everything.  Remember, fidelity is a state of mind, it is not a law.  No one is going to throw you in jail over this mess you're in.  But if you don’t do it the right way, you could end up creating your own  solitary
confinement.