Hi Miss Emily,

Can you help me? I've been seeing a guy now for about 5 months.  It's a long distance relationship.  He's used to those more than I am.  It's only a 2nd time for me. We’ve both been married before and divorced.  He's a couple of years younger then me.  The thing is, he has many female friends.  In fact, about 90% are female. The other weekend, one stayed with him.  I opened up and said I felt jealous and insecure, and can he help me a little.  He said he thought my honesty was refreshing, and thanked me.  He told me that my feelings were normal, and she's just a friend.  If the shoe were on the other foot, he may feel the same.  However, they got blind drunk, and he doesn't recall calling me and telling me how great a friend she is.  He's also expecting me to stay at her place one weekend, but I've not met her yet.  I felt hurt and let down, him being so drunk, I believe at our age that's simply not fair or respectful.  He finds it difficult to meet new people, and as such has refused dinner invitation to meet with my friends.  Though he is quite happy for me to do what he wants with his, when it suits him.  I know this is an insecurity that I have, and he has his own insecurities.  I also know that I don't want to go through another weekend when he has a female friend stay at his flat, when I'm so many miles away, haven't met them(yet) and he gets so drunk that he can't remember a thing.  We have talked about this since, and he says that he can see my point of view.  Then a short while on the phone, this evening, he tells me he's off to another female friend’s for dinner tomorrow.  Maybe I'll never get over my insecurity, and I can't help but to think how much he wouldn't like it if I were to do the same.  I feel a little silly, a bit raw and Im so scared that I'll not get over this.  I care about him, almost think I'm too scared to say that I love him (he's not said this to me, or rather he did on a text, though he can't remember sending it!). Am I being foolish to myself here?  Any guidance that you can offer, would be much appreciated.  FYI, I am having counseling and we are talking about this... at the same time.  I want another point of view... someone to help look from outside the box.  Many thanks in advance.

-------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

I understand why you want to look outside the box, because the box is pretty full!  This boyfriend of yours is a free spirit, indeed, but he has some issues, and I hope one of them isn’t a drinking problem. The fact that he has almost no male friends, seems a little, well, odd.  That’s usually limited to gay men who actually like women and can identify with the fairer sex.  That said,  I’m open minded and there’s a part of my brain telling me what he’s doing is okay.  However, there is definitely an imbalance here, because the onus is on you to accept everything – despite his objective approach to understanding why you feel uncomfortable with his gal-pal antics. The fact that he does not want to socialize with your friends is questionable (and selfish),  because he seems like such a social butterfly around the ladies.  I’m not big on long distance relationships because there are, too often, feelings of emptiness and yearning.  If we were all secure, stable individuals, it would be easier to embrace the mentality, “If you can’t be with the one you love, love the one you’re with.”  But this is what you can do on your part if you have the guts to get closer to the truth, before you go off the deep-end – unnaturally force something upon yourself that you do not want, or rack up counseling fees to beat even the slightest insecurity out of you.  Find out if things are really out of whack.  Bite the bullet and stay at this girl's house that one weekend, and get a better look at what you are up against.  If you are treated like “just one of the girls,” I’d think twice about wanting to be with someone who’s not into the type of committed relationship you want.  Basically, you have every right to get more than you are getting, and he has every right to decide that he can’t give it to you.  But get it settled soon, before this turns you into mush.