Dear Miss Emily:

About a week ago, I was on my boyfriend’s (of 4 years) computer.  He didn’t sign out his email, and as I looked at it and saw something that caught my eye.  He had and email from adult friend finder.  I signed into it to find that he signed up for it a year ago. It doesn't seem like he used it much, but it killed me to think of him signing up for this service when we had, at the time, been dating for 3 years.  This made me look to see if there was anything else that I should know about, and I looked further.  I was able to find that he had responded to an ad for casual sex.  He sent a pic of himself, as well as his description.  He said it didn’t end up being a person – that it was a fake ad trying to get you to use this other website.  When I confronted him he said that he didn’t cheat on me and that he wanted to feel wanted.  I will not say that we have the most active sex life in the world, but I do feel this does not give him the right to go and look for it somewhere else.  I really want to believe him – that it was a weak moment in his life, but I just feel stupid believing him. On top of all this, earlier in the year, he got arrested for solicitation of prostitution in a police sting.  The way he described the process, it was like he was setup.  But now I look back on it, I just don’t believe this just happened to someone who was truly minding his own business.  Please let me know what you think about the whole thing.
Played For A Food

----------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Played:

Well, I might have been in his corner (I don’t like the idea of snooping on someone’s computer), until I got to the final bit about him being arrested for solicitation.  This has me thinking there is a great deal of validity to your mistrust of him, and he’s not just a guy who is “Internet curious.”  His behavior doesn’t seem obsessive, in that he’s lying to you every minute and making excuses for not being around much (as least you didn’t say that), but he does appear to be open to something happening that’s outside your relationship, and there lies the rub.  Many people rationalize infidelity, especially when it’s done on a “one-night-stand” basis.  “I love my girlfriend (or wife), and this chick doesn’t mean anything to me.”  There’s no real emotion that goes into it other than the thrill of the hunt, and a lustful romp in the hay.  He’s lying when he says he just wants to feel wanted, unless you are a cold fish who has held him captive!  By saying this, he’s trying to shift the blame to you – “Ah ha!  It’s your fault.”  Your sex life is not active for one or all of these reasons:  You’re bored with each other; he doesn’t think you are interested in sex; he’s finding it in other places.  You have to decide whether you want a guy like this to be a part of your life, and if you can overlook his occasional desire to dip his toe in another woman's pool.  And that, my dear, is what I think about this whole thing.