Dear Miss Emily:

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now, we are both 35.  We have been together since 1993.  I just recently found out something about her that has caused some emotional problems for me.  When I started dating her, I was under the impression, (she said so) that she was a virgin. I wouldn't care at all if she  wasn't at that time, but she lied to me saying she was.  The problem is that I just recently found out that a couple of months before we started dating she actually had an abortion.  Not only did she lie to me about me being her first, she never said anything about the abortion.  The question is, should I tell her that I know about it?  If I knew about the abortion, I probably wouldn't have married her, and we wouldn't have a 3 year old daughter.
Feeling Betrayed

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear Betrayed:

You don’t say how you found out about this information, but I hope it’s reliable and not just some twisted relative or friend with a grudge. That said, if it is true your wife associated not being a virgin and having an abortion with shame, and she thought you would judge her harshly.  Obviously, you think it was a mistake in judgment, but she wasn't too far off the mark. Yes, I think you have to tell her you know about this and give her a chance to explain why she kept it from you.  She may be relieved that she no longer has to fear someone will snitch.  Despite your feelings on abortion, know that it's rarely done in a cavalier manner, and you would have to be in that person's place to understand the magnitude of that decision. You say you probably wouldn’t have married her if you’d had this information.  Well, probably has gray areas that leave room for forgiveness.  Try to see this with a level head, and not from a lofty perch looking down at the sinner.  Taking the moral high ground, in this case, is fine if you are willing to walk that road alone.