Dear Miss Emily:

I am crazy in love with my girlfriend, so right after high school as soon as I turned 18 (she was 19) I moved out of home and across the country so that we could start our lives together. Home life sucked, and I didn't get along with my parents so I felt like I could start over with her while she lived at home and went to college, and that we could go places and just have each other.  I left EVERYTHING behind for her, my scholarship and my brother who was my best friend. I worked a **** job so that I could rent a room while I tried to gain residency so I could pay for more community college classes. I was at her every whim. I told her that I would wait to go to school so that I could work to help her pay for her tuition.  But she wouldn't do some of the things that I needed like they weren't important. She listened to what her parents wanted more that what I did! I got so sick of them, so we planned to move out and we didn't tell her parents our plan so they couldn't get in the way.  My girl friend couldn't even do simple things like go camping and going away with me for the weekend. I didn't have a car...so I told my girlfriend that I would get a Vespa so that it would make things better. All her mom had to do was tell her that they were dangerous, and she backed out. So eventually I told her that I was going to move back after being fed enough **** and that I wanted her to come with me so that we could start new in Florida. My parents would let us stay with them until we got on our feet. And college is cheaper so I told her I'd be able to work to pay for her tuition. I left, she didn't come, and I feel so taken advantage of. I gave her my whole self and she wouldn't sacrifice anything. I wouldn't have asked for something big like asking her to move across the country (back home with me) if I hadn’t thought it was the only chance for us to make things work. She tells me that she wasn't ready and that I should wait. It took her a year to be ready to go and spend time with me – places outside of her town, without me feeling like I was asking for something that was wrong. That is the lamest excuse!  Now I'm stuck back at home in square one and I am a year and a half behind in school. I am thinking of going back out there, but I don't want it to be the same **** and competition with her parents where I get nothing again. I don't know if she will really move out with  me, or back out like before and say that she isn't ready again. I told her I would work very hard and I would find a way.  Why didn't she do the things I wanted when they were so important?  I tried my hardest. I don't want a long distance relationship with her because they don't work. We have to work together or we will grow apart. But she just says she is trying to get school done because she doesn't know how to handle it and work to support herself too and that we should be able to last. It just isn't realistic.  But I need things too! She can't always be right. Things have to be on my terms, as well. What do I say to her? I would do anything for her and work so hard to support her.
Angry and Hurt

----------------------------Miss Emily’s advice--------------------

Dear Angry:

I will repeat the often recited, famous, Albert Einstein definition of crazy:  “Doing the same thing over and over, again, and expecting a different result.”  You use the word sacrifice so often in your letter that I am beginning to think that you do not see the whole picture.  I agree that compromise is the best thing in any successful relationship, but you signed yourself on to something so big, requiring sacrifices too great, and now you feel used and abused.  It is a huge mistake, at any age, to let love, alone, guide futures, hoping it will solve problems based on faith and not reality.  This girls parents have influence, but she also realized that her situation with them, and school is more beneficial to her than giving it up to be with you right now.  You are going to have to realize that you tried it, it was an error in judgment, and it needs to be corrected; not by going backward, but by moving ahead.  I know it’s a ***** deal, but take responsibility for your actions, make plans for your future, and stop trying to manipulate things you cannot control. You are angry with yourself for trusting that things would work out despite horrible odds.  You seem like a good catch to me, in that you are willing to go the extra mile to maintain the love you have for this girl, but now it’s time to face the music.  You didn’t lose 1 ½ years of school, because you can make it up.  You learned a serious lesson, and if you don’t rethink your position, you are doomed to repeat the past.  I would tell this girl that you have had a change of heart, and that you respect her decision not to make a drastic move.  Plan on visits when you can, but be prepared for time to change your minds about each other.  It could work out, but if you continue to sacrifice most of what you want from life, you’ll end up being bitter and resentful – two traits more easily accepted when you are in your eighties, but a sad emotional state at your age.  It’s time for a reality check.  Let me know what happens.