Dear Miss Emily:

I need help. I have been with my fiancé for 2 ½  years.  We live together and what not. I love him a lot, but am currently also starting to fall for someone else.  I love my fiancé, but he doesn’t talk right to me at all. He has done a lot of messed up things to me throughout the whole relationship – anywhere from putting me on a schedule to come see him, to calling me the b word to putting his hands on me.  I have told him about his ignorant ways and have asked him to change.  I do a lot of stuff for him and that partly being my problem. I worry more about him than myself. Now he is an ok guy. I mean, he comes home every night, he can be sweet when he wants to, but it’s just his actions and stuff. Even my friends have seen the way he talks to me. They say when they try to speak to him he only wants to think of his point of view. Which is so true! Let me give you a little info on my boyfriend.  He grew up in a family where there wasn’t any real love. His father was always out cheating on his mom.  His mom was abusive to him. He grew up seeing a lot of dysfunction So I guess when you don’t have a real role model you grow up thinking it's okay to talk to people like crap. Well, an old flame of mine just came into my life. I work at a staffing company, and he just popped up one day looking for a job. We were shocked at how we bumped into each other.  I got him a job, and he would call me and I would get annoyed. I didn’t think much of it, then we had to do a job together overnight, one weekend, and we got close. After that we started talking at work and hanging out more and more. Now I am to the point where I am sneaking out of the house to hang with him. He treats me so respectfully. He is genuine, kind, and always makes me feel so important; which nowadays is hard to find. He is always just making me feel so important, he rubs my feet, my shoulders. I mean, I have not gotten that in so long. I have not done anything sexually. I am just really hanging out with him, but we are attracted to each other.  I don’t know what to do. My man is a jerk,  but I still see the good in him at the same time.  This other dude is just so damn sweet and makes me feel so good, and it hurts that my man doesn’t want to do the same. What should I do? Am I wrong for this? Write me ASAP! Thanks.
Tired Of It All

--------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Tired:

You have made a good case for breaking it off with your fiancé, because no matter how much good you see in him, the troubled side is the one you have to battle on a daily basis. I get that he’s from a dysfunctional background, and that explains why he is difficult.  Some people are able to rise above their abusive past, and others are not.  He is someone who cannot change, because he does not  have the tools to do so, or chooses to ignore his anger issues making you his scapegoat.  If you stay, be prepared to suffer along with him and remain the brunt of his hostility.  Now concerning this other guy, he has proved to you that being kind and thoughtful is the only way to have a successful relationship. I cannot say that he’s the right one for you, but he has handed you a reality that is hard to ignore. Your relationship with your fiancé is lousy, and it’s time you admit it and do something about it.  No self-respecting woman, or man allows someone to call them offensive names and withstand physical abuse.  Take a look at your past and pinpoint why you would gravitate to this type of man in the first place.  Don’t enter into another serious relationship unless you are clear about your motives.  Being treated well should be a given, and this old flame is a Band-aid to an emotional wound.  If you are smart, you will plan carefully and put yourself at the top of your take care of list and not rush into another relationship before ending it with your current boyfriend.  If you are incapable of mapping your future with you in the driver's seat, and you continue to live your life directed by others, you won’t find happiness in any relationship.