Dear Miss Emily:

My husband and I decided to reconcile after starting the divorce process.  I originally filed for divorce after finding out that he had been using illegal steroids from overseas, lying about "studying" when he was really with his single friend and girls going out to dinner and dancing, and after forbidding me from being in the same room as him when he was using his computer, and finding out that he had been frequenting websites on how to control/manipulate women, and how to sleep with multiple women.  He even had hand-written personal notes on how to kiss a woman for the 1st time and how to control a relationship/make any women want you. To be fair, I kissed a guy while we were married, and lied to him about it. However, after I filed, he said he was sorry, I was the most important thing to him, and he would not do these things anymore.  He is in dental school and said he went into a deep depression when I left and had to take time off  school. Now he is ½ year behind and having to stay after his 4th year. Well, he is not going back to school full-time now, because he is "embarrassed" that he is still there and he lays in bed and watches T V all day, while I work full time/pay all the bills.  He hasn't worked in 5 years.  I recently found out that he has been lying to the people at his school about our relationship.  He never told anyone we got back together so they all assume he is divorced/single.  When I confronted him on this, he says that he is not telling anyone because his professors are having sympathy on him and not making him do all his requirements, so he doesn't want to tell them the truth.  He says he can't tell his fellow students we are together because they might talk and it could get back to a professor.  I told him it is not right to "hide" me and live as husband/wife if he is going to lie about it.  He says it's no big deal and that he would suffer more if his professors found out we were back together because they would think he lied the whole time.  This just sounds so stupid to me.  I think it is wrong to lie about our relationship, or like he says to go along with what everyone thinks (not correcting them).  I feel like this is not honest and not a good way to start back.  It also makes it hard for me to trust him in other areas.  What do you think?  Am I making too big of a deal about this?  He says that any counselor would tell me it's not that big of a deal and that I should just go with it for the next few months until he graduates.  Then he'll tell the new people in our lives that we are together.  Is this okay? Help!
Troubled 24/7

-----------------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------------

Dear Troubled:

Yes, what he’s doing is a big deal, not just because of the ridiculous charade he’s pulling at school, it’s the whole picture. This guy may be smart, but he’s a fraud – someone who shines his pathetic behavior as if it's harmless, and you’re odd-one-out for not seeing it that way –  or, "You just don't get it!"  But here’s the truth:  He’s a habitual liar, is using you in his game of deceit, and he has the maturity level of a five- year-old (no offense to the youngster).  Your initial instincts served you well when you filed for divorce, but they fail you now if you continue to go along with his distorted sense of reality.  It’s your call, but if it were up to me, I’d see the writing on the wall and get the hell out, before you waste additional time on this irresponsible (to put it mildly) man. He will not seek counseling, because he fears truth.  However, a counselor could help you understand this, and lead you to realize that his “no-big-deal” approach to life is a pattern with him, and to let him get away with it labels you an enabler.