Dear Miss Emily:

Sorry but I don't feel I could explain my situation in any fewer words. I am currently a college undergraduate, and I have a friend who I appreciate very much. We met in high school, at church, and we were in a relationship for a brief stint, around five months.  There was something not right about it.  I've come to believe it was both our faults.  I was apprehensive, had not really been in any serious relationships before, and am not used to taking initiative. She had not been in any relationships either, and she seldom shows what she's feeling. She could be telling you she's either the happiest person alive or extremely depressed but you would find it hard to believe, as her demeanor is very calm and laid back. I was crazy about her and though she warned me she might not be able to commit fully to the relationship, we talked nearly every night on the phone, anyway, and whenever we had the chance to we would be with each other. So the relationship ended slightly bitterly.  I did not really get the feeling that she was committed to the relationship and committed to me.  One day, and this was probably too early, but I had to say what I feel, I told her that I loved her.  It appeared to turn her off and she responded by saying she didn't think neither she or I could make that judgment at our age (We were seniors in high school at the time).  I had a hard time dealing with her response and, as a result, I became very cold and detached with her.  It eventually led to the end of our relationship, a mutual break-up, and I moved on.  Or at least, I thought I did.  I saw her a few months ago at her school.  A mutual friend and I went to visit her, and another friend we had in the state, as our schools had let us out earlier than theirs.  The first time I saw her, all my feelings came rushing back.  And I was right where I was a year or two ago.  She was imprinted on my mind and regardless of what I was doing, I couldn't get her out.  We've gotten together a few times, just casual meet-ups between two friends.  I want to tell her that I feel the same way and that I care for her.  But at the same time, I feel as if I completely messed up the relationship the first time, and I don't want to mess up the friendship that we have.  I don't want to tell her that I like her and think she is the most beautiful, most perfect girl that I know and get another negative response and find out she doesn't feel the same.  I tell myself I won't do anything about it.  We're going off to school in about a month, anyway, and I'm opposed to long distance relationships if I can help it.  But while I feel like I have resolved this issue and have made up my mind to simply keep quiet and to get on with my life, I find myself trying to think up ways to get back together with her.  For example: While I was in the mind set of trying to get over her, I absent-mindedly went to the website of a very nice restaurant I had been to with friends.  It was a very nice, high class restaurant with a very nice ambience.  I immediately thought of my friend, and thought, I would love to take her here.  That was before I had made up my mind (again) to try and move on, and to not think about her romantically but more as a friend.  But tonight I went to the website and started looking over the dinner menu, seeing if she could enjoy what they offered (she has certain diet limitations), and how early I could get us a reservation.  Then I went on to contemplate what might happen the rest of that night.  We might have touched, hugged, maybe I could have looked into her eyes right before I gave her a kiss.  My mind runs away like that, and I know that I like this girl and value her.  But because of our past and our near future, I am unsure.  Because she is so emotionless most of the time, I cannot tell if she even thinks about me the way that I do about her, if she thinks about our time together, if she even likes me.  I had made up my mind to simply get over this.  But it's just not going away.  I am tempted to go all out, simply tell her what I feel, even if it will tear up our friendship in the case that she could not see us together.  I'd like to add, this is clearly not a situation where I simply have a crush, or have temporary feelings for this girl.  I want to reiterate that after our relationship, it soured up and I was bitter.  We went away to school, and the first time I saw her (at the start of this summer) I feel as if she was holding my heart in her hands.  I've told a close friend of mine (who does not know who she is, but while providing him with advice, I gave him a personal example of my situation with this girl) that this is the girl I want to eventually marry.  I only want to state that these feelings are not fleeting.  How lucky I would be if they were, because I would not have to go through this.  Thanks for any advice you can provide.
Lost In Love

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Lost:

I’m a little concerned about this girl’s Vulcan-like demeanor.  Not that she can’t be what she is, but it frustrates you.  I think it was a valid point she had about your ages and love, because it often means commitment and you both had your college futures to consider.  And yes, you handled her rejection poorly, and you’d never do that again (right?), but  I’m not sure what has changed.  I believe that you think something has, but you got to where you are for a reason, and you’ve lost sight of that.  If you are determined to remedy your obsession with this girl, the next time you see her have a heart-to-heart talk – if she’s capable.  You don’t have to scare her by professing your undying love or that you mentally plan romantic dinners at a 4-star restaurant, but you can let her know how much you regret the past and wish you had let it play out naturally rather than forcing the issue. You could say, “I would love to be able to try again, someday, ”and ask her if it is possible. If she has any interest in a new start with you, laid-back demeanor or not, she should be able to let you know how she feels, and what the future holds.  If her response is tepid, you have your answer and this frees you to find some closure.  Right now there is a void in your life.  If she isn’t the one who can fill it, find someone who can.  If you haven’t seen the movie “Love Actually,” rent it.  Once you see it, you’ll know what I mean.  Keep me posted.