Dear Miss Emily,

I was with my girlfriend for years, we had two different apartments together. We moved apart due to some serious financial issues. She moved back home with the parents and I went to live with a friend. I was no peach in our relationship, and recently we split, or she did. Over the course of the last year,  I finally realized how much I cared. She told me a year ago that she needed some time to heal, but we still stayed together. Now she told me that I never gave her that time, and she is taking it. I asked if we were doomed, basically, and she said you have a chance, do something with it. Since she said that I have not heard from her. We still have some mutual things that tie us together but now I am starting to wonder what to do. I was a bad partner for so long but we have been “this twosome” for a long time and I do not want to lose the most important thing in my life. She is my heart and my rock, it has been the worst month of my life. WHAT TO DO!?
So Sorry Now

--------------------------Miss Emily’s advice----------------------

Dear So Sorry:

This is a bell you cannot un-ring.  To use another apt phrase, there’s too much water under this bridge. Your ex sounds like a reasonable person who, not only is protecting herself from future trouble, is suggesting to you that you get your life in order. Why?  Because she cares about you and realizes that it is for your own good, with or without her.  When you say, “She is my heart and my rock,” are you really saying, “She put up with my abysmal behavior, when no one else would (unless they, too, had a tinge of masochism), and I still lost the war”?  Which gets to the bigger point: Your ex has decided she wants to break the dependency game you two have been playing.  Kudos to her!  Do what she says, get your act together, because mourning the loss of this relationship does not solve the basis problem here.  Your ex no longer wants “this twosome.”  At least, not now.  If there’s any hope for your future with her, you will sincerely instigate the changes in your life that will make you a better person and, consequently, a  decent partner -- to her, or to someone else.  Take a look at your attitude toward women and why “bad partner” seems to fit your dilemma.  Change is good.  Only make sure it’s for the right reasons, rather than a ploy to get what you want. Remember: Hope is not a plan.