Dear Miss Emily:

I am concerned with something that has happened recently in my relationship. I don’t know for sure if it is stupid or just simply me and my past relationship experiences but, all I know is I want to work things out. Here is what happened:  I have a friend who is about to be without a place to live because he chose to do so. Now he regrets his decision and simply is looking around for a place to live. I have helped this friend continuously.  I won't go in to details but he is a liar, he promises things he can’t follow through with, and he only thinks about today. He will dive head first into anything and not think about tomorrow, or the consequences. Well my girlfriend and I made an agreement not to let him stay at her place. He recently bought a crotch rocket three days ago, and if a place to stay was important enough, he would have looked for that first. He has a car that was given to him, so means of transportation is no excuse.  I got him a job.  Anyway, so the day finally comes that he asks me if it's ok to stay at my girlfriend's.  I say its not my apt., it’s hers and it’s up to her not me.  I live somewhere else and will be staying there for 15 days. So he asks my girlfriend if he could stay and she agrees to let him, even after we had made the agreement not to!  I will not be with her, and I am just upset at the fact that she is letting him stay, even though we agreed not to allow it.  What should I do?  Is this normal? I  feel like I would never do this to her, because its not fair to your partner. Please write back. Thank you.
Betrayed

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Betrayed:

Your friend is a mooch, and you let it happen.  And, I might add, you passed the buck to your girlfriend, after knowing that you both had agreed to a “no-stay” policy.  You could have told this friend that you and your girlfriend had talked about it and decided it wasn’t a good idea.  You left your girlfriend in an uncomfortable position, because you dropped the ball.  Sure, she could have had the courage to tell him, “No,” but you hadn’t the guts to be up front, either.  Now your girlfriend is stuck with her choice, unless she tells your friend she’s decided against it.  But until you are willing to be honest with this “user” friend, you remain a crutch for him and offer him no incentive to walk alone. Don’t be angry with your girlfriend but, instead, you and she should sit him down, then give him a deadline to find another place to flop.  If he’s offended, good.  It’s long overdue for you to stop being this guy’s patsy.  It’s not easy, but years down the line you’ll be glad you confronted this issue now, rather than let it fester for years to come.  If, for some reason, you are jealous that he’s staying with your girlfriend and threatened by this arrangement, you need to get honest with your feeling about that, as well. Emotional strength is an aphrodisiac.  Avoid the blame game, and take no prisoners!