Dear Miss Emily:

I am torn between two men. One is my husband and the other is an ex. When I first met my ex, we hit it off but he told me that he wasn't looking for a relationship – so I never forced a relationship. I fell pretty hard for this guy, but I never told him how I felt, and vice-versa.  He wanted to spend a lot of time with me, but I kept trying to push him away, because I didn't want to get hurt. Within a few months, I started dating my husband. He and I dated for several months when I told my ex that I was seeing someone else. My ex told me that he was in love with me and he didn't think I was out looking for anyone else. He thought that we were together. He told me how much it hurt to find out that I was with someone else. I felt really bad because I still had a lot of feelings for this man, but I had really strong feelings for my husband, as well. I told my ex I couldn't talk to him anymore and that I was happy. I thought that if I pushed him away that I would stop having strong feelings for him. Over time, I thought maybe my feelings were getting weaker for my ex and stronger for my, now, husband. He proposed to me, and we started planning a wedding. My husband is everything that I ever hoped for, except he has depression issues which in turn stops us from doing stuff together. Even when we’re together, he tends to sit quietly. There are times that I come home and we just say hi to each other and that's it. My  husband is caring, gentle, kind and loving. My ex is all of the above, as well, but without the depression issues. I had ran into my ex and the sparks were still there. He sends me text messages all the time telling me how much he loves me, how much he thinks of me, every day, and how he is still hurting that we are not together. It has been 2 years and he is still holding on hoping that we can be together, again. I never lost the feelings for him, I just hide them from myself and everyone else. I love my husband but, honestly, I am bored with him. We never do anything together as a couple and when we do, we don’t talk, we just sit there. I don't know what to do. My family loves my husband and thinks that he's such a nice guy. All my friends like him but they said the same thing that I do: He is boring, and he doesn't talk much. I need some advice on what to do. I have talked to my husband about my feelings towards him, and how I want us to get back to having fun, again, but he doesn't initiate anything. Please give me some advice.                
Between Two Men

---------------------Miss Emily’s advice------------------

Dear Between:

An ex isn’t an ex unless you’ve had a commitment – at least something more than you have stated in your letter.  You were driven to another man because this man was not eager to commit to you until after you had met someone else, and that concerns me.  I would do this:  Tell your husband that you are not satisfied with your marriage, but you are willing to assist him with his depression issues if he seeks a doctor’s help and, perhaps, marriage counseling.  If he is unwilling to do this, then you have every right to leave him. A trial separation would be best before jumping into a divorce, because that would give you time to assess your feelings more objectively.  But I wouldn’t run to the arms of your so-called ex before you are sure that is what you want. You've never had a committed relationship with him and, if you had, it's possible that you might have gone your separate ways. I understand that your husband is boring to you, and “nice guys” do not always make great husbands. This type of man often gravitates to a woman who is extroverted in order to fill a void within his own (often uncultivated, or repressed) personality.  They can, miraculously, reach deep-down and appear outgoing until they get relaxed in a relationship and, then, revert back to their true nature.  If he is not willing to meet you half-way on getting help with his depression, his “nice-guy” image gets tarnished by his inability (weakness) to save his marriage.  If this were to happen, now you are more than justified in pursuing the next chapter of your life.