Dear Miss Emily:

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about 3 ½ years. We have lately been having arguments because of our differences, which I believe is common during this time. We have never cheated on each other, although there’s been some close calls. I warned him about one of his friends – she’d made a move on him and tried to kiss him but he pushed her away.  I told him not to see her for a while, since she wanted to get with him.  He listened to me and stopped talking to her. Now the current problem is with this other girl he’s made friends with at school.  She has a boyfriend but is the a type of girl who is over-controlling and wants to be the center of attention. She and my bf both major in civil engineering (which is mostly males) and she is usually the only girl from the class or group. When my bf invited me to hang out with them, she got defensive and wanted to take control of the group, basically being "bossy." I told my bf that I am not her servant nor a follower to do what she feels like doing.  I believe in mutual agreement as a group. My bf agrees with me about her.  She also shows no morals when her bf is around.  No matter how many times I tell my bf not to hang out with her, he does not listen. His reason is that he gets free things from her, and she pays for trips they go on. He is also scared of isolating himself from his group of friends from school, because he sees them every day. I feel this is breaking us apart. What can I do?
Want Her Gone

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-----------------

You can give your boyfriend an ultimatum, “Don’t hang out with her or I’m out of here.”  But the way I see it, it wouldn’t work. He’s agreeing with you that she has negatives, but it doesn’t bother him enough to not take advantage of what he says are the benefits of this friendship – as well, not wanting to have to explain to the group why he is suddenly missing in action.  Apparently, he puts up with her being a control freak but it’s not something he wants from the girl he’s been with for 3 ½ years. Understand, this girl loves being the rare female (sad to say) in a major that is dominated by males. It’s a heady experience!  Come to think of it, I’m a bit envious of this arrangement, so I can imagine how you feel.  But showing jealousy is a no-win situation.  It screams insecurity and, worst of all, it weakens your position.  I know you are worried that your boyfriend is more interested in this “one-of-the-guys” gal than he’s letting on, and it’s possible.  A cheater is easy to catch if you keep your ears and eyes open.  However, please, don’t do anything hasty until you have proof.  Otherwise, you’ll create a self-fulfilling prophecy.  The thing you fear the most will present itself because you helped guide it in the direction of reality.