Dear Miss Emily:

I dated this girl for about two months.  At that time, she really wanted to be with me and just be herself, but because I am in a different place in my life, I wanted her to go to school,  get a serious job – something.  In this process, I made her not like herself, so she left me. The last thing she said to me in tears was, "I knew I loved you from the moment I met you, and I will always love you."  Then she walked inside and shut the door. This freaked me out because this girl lost her father and a boyfriend in about 2 months when she was 18, and since has dated for weeks at a time and avoided relationships.  It's been about two months since she said that to me. Since that day, I have realized that I am an idiot and I let my head get in the way of what my heart wanted.  I freaked when she left and didn't give her much space. Then I felt hopeless, so I left her alone. The other night I had to see her and it was intense.  She came up, hugged me, and we chatted for 15 seconds and that was about it.  Seeing her cemented the realization that I want nothing more than to be with her. She was noticeably upset and, then, told one of our mutual friends about how hurt she was that things were still weird after all this time. All she has really said is she can't handle this right now.  I have no idea what that means. She knows exactly how I feel, and she knows I want her exactly how she is but either doesn't care or isn't emotionally mature enough to talk to me about it. You know, if she doesn't want me, I don't know why she can't tell me that so I can move on. What is going on here?  Am I wrong for holding on and hoping the hurt will subside and things will change?  How do I show her how I feel and how serious I am about changing the bad parts of our relationship when she won't talk to me right now? Moving on really seems impossible until she tells me for sure what she wants. Please help
Beyond Frustration

------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------

Dear Beyond:

Are you sure she ended up not liking herself at the end of the two months you had together? Or was she smart enough to realize that, yet again, she had met  another man who wanted to control her life, and it was wise to end it.  Either way, some serious emotional hurt marred your chances of a successful relationship. After only a few weeks together, you wanted her to get a serious job, maybe go to school.  This doesn't sound like a fresh, loving relationship, but more like boot camp with a guidance counselor.  It's time to get straight with yourself and figure out why it is that you want her back.  Is it guilt, and you have a dying need to right this wrong?  Was your ego bruised in that she was able to make a clean break without weakening and running back to you?  She may have great qualities, but you weren't together too long before you had suggestions on how she should proceed with her life.  Maybe she even sets herself up for it, but that's not the point.  I firmly believe that one of the biggest mistakes we make in relationships (and a cruel reality when it is discovered) is thinking that we can change a person to fit our ideal.  It then becomes, "Sure I love you for you, I just thought you'd be more..."   This is one reason why 50% of marriages end in divorce.  If she does know how you feel, then leave her alone and let her make the next move if there is one.  And if somewhere down the line you get a second chance, be careful.  I doubt she'll tell you she's decided to take the LSAT and apply for law school but, who knows, stranger things have happened.  Maybe you don't realize this, but your head and heart should be in complete agreement in matters of love. One without the other is a recipe for disappointment.  Soldier on!