Dear Miss Emily:

I really care for my girl, so know I’m searching for advice to strengthen our relationship.  I’m 21 and she is going to be 19 in three months.  This July 14th, is going to be our three year anniversary. We are at that point where things are getting a little rocky.  She is a very strong, independent woman with a strong character.  She has very high morals and standards, and is mostly an extrovert.  She is real factual and down to earth.  I love every aspect of her – she is almost perfect. I, on the other hand, am a thinker, writer and passive. I am romantic and primarily an introvert. I like fantasies and making love, reading books and, currently working on one. We are both college students. My problem is that I can’t keep a job, and I almost demand sex, according to her. I’ve become real possessive and I urge sex. It’s as if this intrinsic instinct takes over to satisfy my urges. I find myself in a bad mood when I don’t have it for weeks. I guess I just need to learn how to control it. Sometimes I let my fantasy ways get in the way of life and she can’t stand that. I am constantly looking for a job, but all the jobs I was offered have always conflicted my schedule. I want to know when would be a good time to take a break. She has brought it up many times, and I know that it’s going to be inevitable that it would happen; we just don’t know when the right time is. I sometimes think that I take refuge within her comfort, making her feel as if she was taking care of me, like a mother taking care of a child. I don’t want to but, when I feel down, I like that comfort.  Sometimes the male/female roles switch. Things have changed a lot and I don’t want to lose her.  I am her first.  She lost her virginity with me and I want to be her last, but I feel like I need to get my act together first. What can I do to please her? How can I do things without her pushing me to get ahead in life? I want to be the one pushing her, but it hasn’t come down to that. I know we are different people, but if I had to go through hell, it would be her, the person I wish to
go through hell with.
Facing Reality

------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------

Dear Facing:

I know you are requesting advice on how to strengthen this relationship, but you seem to be at a point where you are going to have to figure out if you can save it!  I’m sorry to be the barer of bad news, but I believe it’s called for when, like your girlfriend, I’ve been labeled an extrovert who is factual, down to earth and, well, an advice columnist.  Maybe that’s why you wrote to me, because now I am part of the “parenting” team you seem to need.  Opposites do attract, but it takes two emotionally strong individuals to make it work for the long haul. It’s a relationship that honors the differences, and where mutual, nurturing roles develop.  No one should be “pushing” anyone into anything, and that’s where you are misguided.  You are behaving in a childish manner when it comes to sex, and  you might be thinking that your fantasy world is endearing rather than just a great big “pain-in-the-ass” to your pragmatic girlfriend.  It’s best to seek a balance, and each of you should benefit from the other’s strengths.  Your admission that you need emotional comfort in a maternal way is reason for this girl to send you packing.  Remember, Mom is the one who birthed you, not your nineteen year-old girlfriend.  Face the music now, and fix it, or spend your life looking for the woman who wants to marry Peter Pan. Good luck on that score!  However, on your way to becoming a responsible, mature person, never forfeit the things that make you the unique, lovely person that I am sure (reasonably sure) you are.  Oh yes, when would be a good time to take a break?  Now, before things get nasty.