Dear Miss Emily:

I've been dating this girl for 3 ½ years, and everything seemed to be going fine.  We had an apartment close to the school we were both attending.  We were both madly in love with each other and, after college, we were going to get married.  All of a sudden, she comes to me and says that she's completely lost all feelings for me.  I was absolutely devastated.  At that point, we decided that we still wanted to stay friends and since we had a spare bedroom and bathroom in the apartment, we decided to stay roommates.  She had made some new friends and was literally out all night with them.  I didn't mind, since we were broken up and I figured that this was her way of dealing with the breakup.  But I never saw her!  She was out all night, and then at school and work all day.  She said that she wanted to stay friends, but she was never around to make an attempt at staying friends.  Well, it's 3 weeks later, and she's decided that she needs space from me, and she wants to move out.  I'm having a hard time with this, because I'm still in love with her.  I even told her how I feel and said that I would do whatever it took to fix our problems.  She wants none of that, but she continues to say she wants to be friends.  I can't be friends with her if I still love her.  And I can't stop loving her.  I don't want to stop loving her.  I just want to be with her again, like things used to be.  I don't know what to do.  She's completely turned my life upside down.  She was my only friend and I lost her.  I know that I'm supposed to move on and meet new people, but I don't want to.  All I want is her.
Heart In Hand

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice-------------------------

Dear Heart:

My guess is that she’s found someone else, but she’s not being straight with you.  I could be mistaken, but her behavior tells me that she has someone who has captured her interest enough to forfeit all future plans with you.  The more needy and hopeless you become, the greater her justification for moving on.  In matters of the heart, nothing is more difficult than what you are feeling.  To stay friends, at this point, would be next to impossible because you want to erase this whole thing and go back to where you were.  She’s making a lousy attempt at friendship, because she is showing extreme insensitivity toward you.  That does not speak well of her.  But she has the upper-hand, right or wrong, and that’s the reality of it.  I seldom suggest counseling.  Paradoxically, it takes a strong individual to challenge his/her “weaker moments” (we all have them), and do the hard work at turning their life around to their advantage.  If you can, give it a try.  Sometimes free counseling is offered through the school, or they might be able to suggest a low-cost clinic.  I am concerned that you say she is your only friend.  That is not good, because you need balance in your life and, this is, perhaps, a legitimate reason for her to question your emotional security.  And I see a maturity issue, as well.  You saying “but I don’t want to” sounds petulant – like a little boy stomping his foot. You are going to have to realize that life is not only a challenge but a character builder, as well.  I am not saying that you have to learn to turn the other cheek, but it would be healthy for you to maintain your dignity and face the music with a stiff upper lip.  You’ll never regret handling it this way.  Regrets come from making bad choices and later having the time to stew in them. That said, I truly understand your grief.  Please let me know what happens.  I mean it!