Dear Miss Emily:

My girlfriend and I dated for about a year and a half, then broke up. For the month we were broken up, it wasn’t like we were broken up at all. We made things official for another month, but she said I haven't changed. (I do have jealousy and controlling problems, but not abusive). We broke up, then two days later she was dating some other guy.  I know I pushed her away in this situation. We didn’t talk for about three weeks, and then she called me and said that this new guy was abusive, and just looking for sex.  She broke up with him and we became closer.  But I know I wasn’t a rebound, because she wouldn’t date me again until she waited to see if I’d changed. Well, we ended up dating again for two months...a total of two years together. She acted like she was totally in love with me.  She knows I love her, and her life at home isn’t very easy.  Well, I let her, again!  I lied to her because I was snooping on her.  She broke up with me, but she’s been acting like we never did for the last couple days.  I gave her a reason why I was the way I was, and she tells me she loves me and wants to make sure I’ve really change this time before we do anything official. Today, however, she was very short at some points through her text, but at some other points she would call me on her own, tell me she loved me and acted like nothing was wrong.  She also told me earlier, tonight, she would continue to text me while she was out with her girlfriend – text once, only to tell me she’d call me later.  I called her brother to find out if she was still lying to me, and  he said that she was indeed out with girlfriends at the mall.  I’m afraid later that she will lie to me. Do you think her feelings for me are real, and it’s just me pushing her away?  She is a girl who talks to me, and tells me things she never tells anyone.  But she has lied  twice before –  not cheating but just things that happened when we weren’t together and dating.  But when I gave her the chance to tell me the truth, she did.  Are her feeling for me real, or am I just paranoid?
Spied-her Man

---------------------------Miss Emily’s advice---------------------

Dear Spied-her:

My head was spinning after reading your e-mail, so I can imagine what it must take for you two to keep these “emotional” balls in the air – but then people your age are good at multi-tasking!  This all sounds like a lot of work on both ends.  But trust seems to be the real issue, here, as it is for all relationships that move like a roller coaster, with few calm moments in between.  I think her trouble at home might be a reason why she depends on you to be her rock when all else fails, and she expects you to fill the void.  It is very important for her that you can be reliable, but jealousy and control are not something she needs in her life.  Who does? Unless always being needy replaces reason and, then, if that is the case, you’re both screwed.  No one wins, no matter how much you care for each other.  I think the only way you can carry on this relationship with any hope for advancement, is for you to back-off, stop spying (and mean it, Mr. Insecure), and do something else with your time other than hanging by your phone hoping to get a text message describing this girl’s every move.  If she has lied to you, that’s not good, but take a look at why this happens.  Perhaps you two should sit down, re-examine your relationship, and approach it from a more mature vantage point.  If you succeed in coming to some agreement, throw things in neutral, let them idle for a while, and learn to enjoy life when you can.  Don’t even discuss anything “official.”  If it’s drama you’re looking for, take in a movie.