<![CDATA[Ask Miss Emily - Articles - Relationships - Men]> http://www.askmissemily.com en-us N/A emily@askmissemily.com Wed, 11 Dec 2013 19:59:27 UTC 20 <![CDATA[Guilt Free Friends With Benefits ]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2449/1/Guilt-Free-Friends-With-Benefits-/Page1.html
I recently just starting talking to a girl I have known for about 9 years. We really didn't talk much until just recently. She just got out of a long relationship but had been wanting to get out for a while. She and I started seeing each other, and things started to go fast. We officially made ourselves a couple. That lasted only a day, and she told me she is not ready for another relationship. She told me she still wants to sleep together, hang out and still talk. She's not interested in anyone else, nor is she interested in sleeping with anyone else. She told me shes scared because she got real attached to me quickly, and she never gets attached to guys. I really fell for her as well, but its bothering me so much to know that we don't have that label as a couple. I mean she wants to do everything a couple does, she just don't want the label. I don't completely understand this. We have talked about it, and I asked her -- "Well if you don't want to be in a relationship, which is just a label, then what do you want to change?" She said she don't know. What should I do?

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice----------------------------

But she was attached to the guy she had the long term relationship, until it went south. At least we know that about her. She gets attached, but she's also doing something that is quite common these days as an answer to being gun-shy about a commitment -- a "Friends with Benefits" relationship which allows a guilt free response: "But you knew what I wanted. I told you in the beginning. What about it didn't you understand?" That seems harsh, but not an impossible outcome if things don't work out. Three problems: She just got out of a relationship and wants the option of freedom at this time in her life; you're ready for a commitment because you haven't been in one for a while;  and it often happens that one party in an FWB relationship becomes too attached and, possibly, brokenhearted. I think you should not be as invested as you are now. You want an open (public as well as private) commitment, and she wants all the benefits without one. If that doesn't work for you, you had better make some tough decisions around this relationship. You don't have to play games. Be honest. You are, already, deeply involved, but you want to give her time to have some of the freedom she may really want. If you do this, don't let her turn it on you. "Sounds like you're the one who doesn't want a commitment!" As well, if you do loosen your emotional reins. and she sees it as rejection (no matter what you say to the contrary), she could try to reel you back in.  But that is, usually, only a temporary situation once the facts of the relationship sink back in. Wow, I almost sound as if I'm a naysayer about this relationship, and I suspect she's got some hidden agenda! I do understand human behavior, however, and this may be no exception.  She gave you no answer to your question, because the answer is: "I don't want to change doing it my way, until, or if I change my mind. " She can want that, but only you can give it her. If you object to those terms, man-up on it, and spell out your own. It can be done in the kindest manner. This relationship, ultimately, may not work out -- and timing could be the reason why.

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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 05 Dec 2013 08:59:45 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2449/1/Guilt-Free-Friends-With-Benefits-/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Patience Is The Better Plan]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2441/1/Patience-Is-The-Better-Plan/Page1.html
Dear Miss Emily:

I have this girl in my life who used to like me, but I didn't care so she dated somebody for 2 years. In this time, I realized I not only liked her but loved her. She broke up with him a few weeks ago, and I jumped on the opportunity. She said she liked me back, but we haven't hung out since she's been single because she slept with somebody and lied to me about it.  But she's done with him now, yet still we grew apart -- arguments over the phone. She would text me almost everyday for 4 years (even in her relationship) and talk on the phone but, now, I feel she's changed. She's 23, was a good girl with her bf -- always staying in -- and just a goofy cute girl. I loved it. Now she goes out all the time, and although (so I think) has only had sex with one guy since her breakup, she acts like sex is no big deal and doesn't care -- yet wants to make me wait 'cause she likes me, and that makes no sense. Now I think I pushed her away. My question is, should I just leave it be and stop talking to her, because I feel like she's not the same sweet girl, or should I flip the tables and friend zone her and make her suffer? I realize she has issues. Shes' been used and abused by every bf she's ever had. I'm very good to her, but every since she's been single, we fight over the phone so much that we haven't even hung out yet.

----------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

The timing is at odds. Now she's single, I think she's enjoying the feeling of not being bound by a new relationship. You want her to jump right in, and even though she's expressed interest in that, it's too soon, in my opinion. Although lying about sleeping with some guy was insulting to you, I don't think she owes you a blow-by-blow account of her life if there's been no commitment. If she's been "used and abused" by boyfriends, although unfortunate, it boils down to a choice to stay in it. That sounds cold, because it may stem from her childhood, but she will repeat the pattern if she doesn't work toward changing it. There's no sense in you fighting with her. I understand that you and she have been good friends for 4 years, but you two haven't been in a romantic relationship, you weren't interested at one time, and if it's going to happen, it should be eased into. Do not judge her. It rang an alarm bell for me when you said "she used to be a good girl." You shouldn't enter into a relationship dragging what you see as recent shortcomings, and expect it to work. You want to be her boyfriend, not a judgmental parent. She doesn't need it, nor do you. Right now, be a good friend, try to reestablish the closeness you once had, and give it more time to see what happens. It may be too late for you and her, or the timing is off. Don't play any games. Ignoring her isn't the answer -- tit-for -tat. If you really care about her, be honest, but not accusatory. No guilt trips, please. That will drive her away, because it seems she's at the place in her life where she'll let you go in order to live it, at 23, the way she wants -- and not how anyone else thinks it should be played out. Patience is a virtue, and that's what may help you in this delicate matter.

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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sun, 24 Nov 2013 09:05:12 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2441/1/Patience-Is-The-Better-Plan/Page1.html
<![CDATA[The Ex Factor]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2431/1/The-Ex-Factor/Page1.html
I met a woman in June, and we had instant chemistry. For 3 months we were inseparable. I am a very romantic man and treated her like a queen.  A few days after our 3rd anniversary was her birthday, and her ex bf showed up and begged her to give him another chance.  Even though she and I had a great thing going, she dumped me to give him a third chance.  She continues to say she loves me and needs to see this through with him, because it is unfinished business. She is right when she says that I did nothing wrong, and this is on her.  But I love her so much, and can't let it go. I am confident that he will fail, again, but I wonder if I should just walk away and try to get on with my life; despite the fact that I want to spend the rest of my life with her. I'm 51, she's 47, so we are not kids -- even though I told her this whole thing is so high school.  Should I wait it out, or try to let my heart mend and move on?  I care for her and want her to be happy but, the fact is. I am the best man for her.

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

The ex. I can't tell you how many letters I get from people who mourn the loss of a gf, or bf because she, or he went back for another go with one. And even though round 3 may seem to you and me that they are "beating a dead horse" they are the last to know it! But the fact is, she did go back to him; despite you thinking you are the best man for her.  She can't possibly be in love with you (now, anyway) when she, so easily, went back to him. I would suggest you cut off contact with her, but tell her why. You do not want to hear about, and watch from the sidelines her play out this "unfinished business" with him. As painful as it is for you to disengage, you must. If she and this man end it, you'd be willing to consider, based on where you are at that time, a revisit to the relationship -- and on a slower trajectory. For most people, the first three months are the "honeymoon" stage of a relationship, and had this relationship not been interrupted, it's possible it would have died on its own steam. I feel sad for you, but better a whirlwind three months courtship and you having to get on with your life (as I suggest you do), than this happening a year from now. She loved the attention you showered on her, no doubt, and it's a heady thing to be adored, but this guy holds more sway -- even after all the drama that relationship offers. But, you know, maybe that's what they like. Hold your head high, and be firm. You have little to lose by showing that you are not a fool.
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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 11 Nov 2013 05:13:15 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2431/1/The-Ex-Factor/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Risky Business]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2425/1/Risky-Business/Page1.html
Okay, so I have been seeing this woman for about a month now. She and I both work for the same company -- and, even more so, she is somewhat my boss. We started off just hanging out and going out as friends. I didn't expect anything to happen between us, because she has been in a relationship for 3 years and lives with him. Her boyfriend is out of town traveling with a band.  No one could deny the energy that me and this woman have -- and once we slept together, that sealed the deal. we have been inseparable. Now her boyfriend is back in town, and we can't see each other, obviously. i guess my question is: considering the circumstances, am I setting myself up for a heartbreak? Her whole world would change if she left him. I don't make half the money he makes and cannot support her the way he can. She texted me, today, saying she couldn't stop thinking about me, but she was with him. I am falling in love with this woman. and she says she is doing the same, but is love enough? is love enough to completely change someone's life -- to go from comfortable to struggling,  or barely making it by? And this decision couldn't be made over night considering she lives with him. She has a kid (not his), but the fact that she has to support her child, and her boyfriend is there for that, makes it tougher to have what I want from this relationship.

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

Sure, there's a high probability that you're going to get your heart broken. You're in the beginning of this relationship,  you have stars in your eyes, and it doesn't seem terribly realistic to talk about living together and struggling on your and her income just yet! I do agree that money talks, however. This guy does give her the creature comforts you can't; although she does work. But what he does do, apparently, is make her life easier - and that can hold sway over heart pounding love. She has a son, this man may be close to him, and that's another bond that's hard to break. What she may offer, however, is an affair, of sorts. They are fun -- stolen moments away, and more time when he's out of town -- but it's not a relationship with the day-to-day rigors of life, either.  I have no doubt she enjoys her time with you, and I'll bet the sex is great, but you are right to be wary because this could end up with your heart feeling as if it's gone through a meat grinder. All the things that make a relationship of this type so frustrating are there: you wait for the phone to ring IF she can get away; she cancels at the last minute; you hear stories of them going places together (like a family), and you get jealous. I could go one, but you get my point.  But you already know the risks and personal responsibility of getting more involved with her, and if you accept them, you won't feel as much like a victim if things go belly up.
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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 31 Oct 2013 10:34:37 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2425/1/Risky-Business/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Odds Of It Working Could be Iffy]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2414/1/Odds-Of-It-Working-Could-be-Iffy/Page1.html
I met a guy online and talked to him for about a month. I got him a job working at the northern resort where I work, and the day we finally met we moved in together. Within 3 days, we told each other that we loved each other. We both changed some things that we didn't like about the other (he quit smoking cigs and pot, and I quit drinking). We have been together for 6 weeks and have had a couple of fights but have patched things up. Because winter is coming, and we will be stuck inside together 24/7 (working and living together), we booked a vacation for a week at the beginning of Dec. My family and friends have made some negative comments that I am impulsive and don't think things through. I have made some bad relationship choices in the past, and they are judging this relationship based on that. They say that soon enough the rose colored glasses will come off and because we moved way too fast, things most likely won't work out for us. We are super happy though, and I have high hopes that this could be "the one." My bf and I are both in our early 20s. I have a loving and caring family,  but he comes from a broken home and didn't even really have a place to live before we got together. I am asking your honest opinion in the situation. Do you think this has a chance of working, or is it more likely that we are in the "infatuation stage" that will wear off, one day, and things will come to an end as fast as they started? Thanks so much for your time.

--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

Of course, being impulsive has it's drawbacks, and history often repeats itself. Yes, this was sudden, and there is truth to what your family said: Once the honeymoon stage wears off, that's when emotional warts can surface. But I won't tell you it's going to be a failure. That's not what I, usually, do. This is something you and he will know, in time.  If things do go south, don't let false pride, or HOPE make decisions for you. Be realistic, and without a sense of obligation to anyone but yourself. Get out if it isn't working, and because you found out that although some people can change, many do it for only a temporarily period -- and it cannot be sustained as a result of entrenched habits, and personality traits. Nature, but mostly nurture influences are strong predictors to relationship outcomes. The fact you come from a stable, loving family is great -- but not good for you, however, if he expects you to fill voids in his life only he can fill. If you become a parent, an enabler, or anything other than an equal partner who shares responsibilities, has trust and respect at the relationship's foundation, and enough common interests and values to bring harmony (rather than discord), it won't work. I wish you the best, but the jury is out on the success of this relationship. But you already know that.
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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Thu, 17 Oct 2013 21:34:10 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2414/1/Odds-Of-It-Working-Could-be-Iffy/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Young Bi Guy In Love With Man Thirty Years His Senior]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2413/1/Young-Bi-Guy-In-Love-With-Man-Thirty-Years-His-Senior/Page1.html Subject: 30 years
Question/Comment: Hello... I'm seriously conflicted...I really need
some someone to be on my side (like all lf his friends) or tell me Im retarded. I'm a 21 year old determed, goal oriented bi-sexual edicated smart successful male. I have never been as happy with life as I am now... The only reason I'm so happy is my current  relationship...which happens to be with a 51 year old male. I can truly say I love him with my whole heart and would love to spend the rest of our lives together. I'm so happy I'm basically shitting rainbows. I'm not "out" of the closet with friends and family yet but my best friend knows this about me. I've known this guy named Bradley for about 2 months and he litterally makes me feel like I'm on cloud 9 whenever I'm around him. I would never guess he's 51...!I would say he looks like his nearly 30's at least! He looks so good and treats me equally. I'm not interested in him for his money or looks and still being in college I make the same money as he does so it's not like im looking for a "sugar daddy" he also genuinely cares about me. Like I do about him. I love that he likes his family as much as i like mine, takes care of his body, can cook, works  a Nice steady  job, loves his dog like I love I love mine, had completely different hobbies as mine so I feel like I can learn so much from him. I'm afraid of what my mother and grand parents will think. I'm afraid he won't want to have kids which I've always dreamed of and he will reject me. I would love to marry this man one day in the future and have tons of kids with! But he thinks it's so wrong for him to be dating some one as younge as me and tries to tell me that all the time. he thinks because of his HIV positive status that no one Could love him but i do love him and it feels. Like nothing I've experienced before. I seriously think he's the best thing to ever walk into my life a I want to make this work more than anything but in so scared of breaking his heart in the future.... Or wasting my youth please give me some advice if you have any!

--------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

I hate to use this tired cliche, but it is what it is! He's 51, and he's not going to get any younger. If you want family, and I think that's a lovely choice to make, he's not your guy, and you should see this as, potentially, shorter term -- or don't put any time frame on it and see how it goes. A chapter in your life, for however long it lasts. When he says you shouldn't be with him, it's a throw-away line if he continues the relationship. No doubt you two are suited for each other on many levels, but two months, in any relationship, is the "honeymoon" stage, and I think you'd need more time to truly assess the longevity of it. Of course, it's not a given that you two will separate, but the odds are not in your favor. I don't doubt he's a great guy, but you are right, not only have you not come out to family and friends, but his age will be a factor, in their opinion. I'm pretty confidant that will be the case.  If you believe in what you're doing, however,  there's a point where you're going to have to stand behind it. Living in the shadows of a life is a hardship, and you have a right to live your life as you see fit. You're an adult. But you have to be willing to take the emotional slings and arrows of family objecting to this relationship. He's 30 years your senior, and that's separate to being bi-sexual. I can't tell you you're wasting your youth. That's something you'll find out only if you continue this relationship beyond being in love, and it becomes more obligation than desire. To avoid that being the case, do not hesitate to end it with him if it no longer fits. I assume he's on anti-viral medication if he's HIV positive, but using protection is a must. No exceptions. ]>
no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 16 Oct 2013 00:38:28 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2413/1/Young-Bi-Guy-In-Love-With-Man-Thirty-Years-His-Senior/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Relationship Is Kept On The Down-low]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2399/1/Relationship-Is-Kept-On-The-Down-low/Page1.html
I'm 23 years old and I've been after a girl my same age for about 2 years now. We've gone out on dates and spent heavy amounts of time together. However, she always wanted to keep our relationship a secret. I love her, and it hurts that she feels the need to do this. Shes been through a lot this past year, and her childhood was not the best. But when I ask her to take our relationship to the next level, she says shes not ready. It's been about a year now, and I don't know what to do. Recently, her sister admitred she has feelings for me, which has nothing to do with my actions. Also, her ex, who is a common friend confronted her and told her he still has feelings for her. Everything is tense right now. I gave her space for some days,  and talked, but nothing was really solved. Now I'm lost. I don't want to lose her, but at the same time I'm getting tired of the delays. Please help!

-------------------------------Miss Emily's advice--------------------------

This relationship is a bit of a mess -- at least for you! Lose her? The question is: Did you ever have her? Her unwillingness to let the relationship be out in the open is highly suspect. I don't think it's anything to do with her having a lot going on this last year, and her childhood. She's had a relationship before, and I am going to take a stab here -- it was out in the open, right? I think it has everything to do with her inability to commit to you. I can't say if she's been waiting for her ex to admit he still has feelings for her (which he now has),  or she's "just not that into you", but you're within your right to not want to be treated like a best kept secret, and a second class citizen. It's insulting to you. Man-up on this, please. I know it would be tough, and you probably fear the outcome, but if she's not willing to be out in the open with this relationship, you should tell her that's a deal breaker. If you don't, you continue to give her all the power in this relationship, and where has that gotten you? Frustration, hurt, and anger. None of those emotions should be a constant in any relationship. You know that. Now the big question: What are you going to do about it?

----------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

This relationship is a bit of a mess -- at least for you! Lose her? The question is: Did you ever have her? Her unwillingness to let the relationship be out in the open is highly suspect. I don't think it has anything to do with her having a lot going on this last year, and her childhood. She's had a relationship before, and I am going to take a stab here -- it was out in the open, right? I think it has everything to do with her inability to commit to you. I can't say if she's been waiting for her ex to admit he still has feelings for her, or she's "just not that into you", but you're within your right to not want to be treated like a best kept secret. It's insulting to you. Man-up on this, Frank. I know it would be tough, and you probably fear the outcome, but if she's not willing to be out in the open with this relationship, you should tell her that's a deal breaker. If you don't, you give all the power in this relationship, and what has that gotten you? Frustration, hurt, and anger. None of those emotions should be a constant in any relationship. You know that. Now the big question: What are you going to do about it?
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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Wed, 02 Oct 2013 04:33:44 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2399/1/Relationship-Is-Kept-On-The-Down-low/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Worth The Risk?]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2397/1/Worth-The-Risk/Page1.html
I've been trying to get this girl for almost 6 months now. It was all going well until we had an argument -- which was caused by a friend of mine. We sorted it out, but I just didn't want to waste time and I didn't want to lose her, again.  I told her how I felt over a bottle of brandy.  She started crying and said, "I just don't wanna get hurt." It's been almost 2 months now, and we talk everyday,  I've given her many chances to say she's not interested, so I don't know what to do.

--------------------------Miss Emily's advice-------------------------

Maybe this makes me sound like a simpleton, but have you asked her out on a date?  To me, that seems like a logical next step. You can reiterate that you have no intention of hurting her, nor do you want to be hurt, but if she's willing to give it a try, you'd be the happiest guy in the world. Man up, sweet one, and take charge. There are no guarantees in any relationship, but even if that's reality, most people accept the risk. Be a good friend,  listen to her intently, and capitalize on  common interests and values. Respect her, and expect it in return.  You didn't say the content of the argument started by a friend but, in the future,  don't let others get in the way.   Intimacy is between two people, and that's what you want with her.  When she cried and said, "I don't want to get hurt," it could mean she's carrying some baggage from one, or more past relationships -- but she may also have some deep seated emotional issues that might prevent her from moving forward.  If you notice any red flags that she's emotionally unstable, ignore them at your peril.  It's possible she's not capable, for whatever reason, of taking this relationship beyond friendship. ]>
no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Sat, 28 Sep 2013 06:19:51 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2397/1/Worth-The-Risk/Page1.html
<![CDATA[Welcome Home Gift]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2377/1/Welcome-Home-Gift/Page1.html
My girlfriend is going away next week, she'll be on holiday for 2 weeks, it will be the first time she's been away whilst we've been in a relationship. I know I'm going to really miss her a lot! I want to do something for her that will show how much I've missed her. I don't want to just buy her a present or gift, I want to do something that is really meaningful for her. Do you have any advice or ideas? Thank you.

---------------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------------

I sense you feel a tad worried, and fear she may meet someone while on this trip? If true -- perfectly normal. Whatever the case, tickets to a concert, play, or event that you know she'd love, (you'd have to be sure her calendar was free, however) or a romantic dinner at a cozy restaurant would suffice. A welcome home gesture is lovely, no matter what you do, but only work within your means. Any extraordinary effort that puts you in debt, or over-the-top behavior might make you appear, for lack of a better word, insecure.


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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Mon, 09 Sep 2013 16:32:57 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2377/1/Welcome-Home-Gift/Page1.html
<![CDATA[A Full-blown Affair Brewing?]> http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2367/1/A-Full-blown-Affair-Brewing/Page1.html
My ex is trying to rekindle our relationship. But I'm afraid she hasn't changed.  And she never will.  More importantly, when my best friend was advising on the subject, she let slip that she loves me.  I've known and reciprocate those feelings.  The problem here is her husband, an old friend.  We've discussed at great length that we can never be together, -- however, tonight we shared an intimate moment, and I'm afraid this could escalate beyond the shadow of control we think we have. if anything were to come from our feelings, we would surely lose all of our friends.  However, we both cannot ignore this.  It is getting far too painful.  Any advice?

------------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------------

I believe you about your ex. I think a redo would be a lesson in futility. But you are not a stupid man. You know that getting involved with your best friend is a potential Pandora's Box of released troubles that could turn several lives upside down. Affairs are great, but the repercussions are what is feared, and they are often realized. If (and it seems highly possible) you and she give into your feelings and are off to the races with clandestine meetings -- weekend getaways, evenings at your place -- and the lies that come with it, be prepared for extreme highs and lows -- and emotions that are so charged, what once seemed like a fairly controlled, and simple life, becomes extremely complicated and messy. Saying you can never be together is a weak premise in starting an affair. The more the intensity, the greater the talk of being together -- how it can be executed -- and a "to hell with friends" attitude.  We are in love, damn it! You have two choices, and this you already know: Succumb to your feelings, and accept  what could have some extremely profound consequences, or stop, now, and move toward a future with a new woman in your life -- not your ex (a really bad idea), and not your best friend who is married. Hormones can have as much force as a loaded gun ready to be fired. Once released, expect some damage in its wake.
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no@spam.com (Miss Emily ) Tue, 27 Aug 2013 17:43:22 UTC http://www.askmissemily.com/articles/2367/1/A-Full-blown-Affair-Brewing/Page1.html