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Hello, and welcome to AskMissEmily.com. My name is Emily, and it is my passion to help people of all ages. I have designed this site for anyone who needs a rational solution to everyday problems.
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As of February, 2013, I have written over 18,000 letters of advice!
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College Bound Teen and High School Boyfriend
- Published Today
- Relationships - Teens
- Rating:
Dear Miss Emily:
My daughter will be going far away to college in 2 months. Her boyfriend of 6 months just gave her an expensive watch (designer name over $250.00) for graduation, and his grandmother gave her $50.00. I worry that they are committing to a relationship that would have to withstand long periods of time apart. He will not take the watch back. I haven't gotten him a present yet -- but was only going to give him $25.00. My daughter wants to match his gift, even though he says he wants nothing. What should I do?
--------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------
You are not obligated, in any way, to match a $250.00 gift. If your daughter has money saved, and she wants to buy him something of that caliber, that would be her choice. I agree, long distance relationships are difficult in the best circumstances (my manta). When a teen goes off to college, relationships that started in high school often end when the college environment offers a multitude of choices. But you can't tell her that. It's something she has to find out on her own. I, frequently, get letters from teens regarding this subject. Some are realistic and end the relationship, but others try to keep it together -- even when trust issues arise, and the frustration of seeing their friends enjoy themselves at social events, with dates and boyfriends, gnaws at them. It is a rare case when the relationship, happily, stays together. Not impossible, but rare. Therefore, do not fear that this relationship will not withstand long periods of time -- hope that it doesn't!
Relationship With Man Twice Her Age
- Published Today
- Relationships - Women
- Rating:
dear Miss Emily:
I have been seeing someone for a year now. I never planned for it to become what it has. I'm usually the one with all the answers but I am at a loss. We met at work (age old tale), and he was married. I never believed in "home wrecking" but I never fell for anyone likeIi have for him. He was this image of a man that I had never met before - kind, caring, innocent, and very honest. He is also twice my age. (I am 27). Long story short, he left his wife and we tried being a normal couple (yet my family has no idea). His family hates him, now, and we have been through a lot of rocky events (getting an apartment together and then he took off -- me trying to be with someone else more suitable for my age). I dont have a problem meeting guys, and I know I could meet someone my age but I cant get past him. We fight, break up and, then, get back together. I moved to be with him and am now very far from my support group and am very isolated. We work together, still, and I mean a foot away from each other every day in a high stress job. Part of me feels obligated to stay as his whole world has crumbled apart since our affair. (we never actually did anything besides the emotional affair before he told his wife btw). My whole world has been consummed by him, and I cant help but feel that I am missing out on the best years of my life. I want to move on, but he won't let go and we are (like I said) together every day, and I am really successful and don't want to leave (nor would my family -- since they are so proud and have no idea about him), and he can't afford to lose his job. I see no relief in sight, and sometimes we are so good but, at the same time, with no real future. My days are more often filled with tears than happiness. The only way I know to get over a guy is to cut him out of my life completely (like detox), but I can't with him, and here I am (the gal who has advice for everyone) writing to you --a perfect stranger with the hope that you may offer some relief. Thank you for your time.
--------------------------Miss Emily's advice---------------------
You know that life is filled with hard choices. For you, making one is better than the other, but it doesn't mean it isn't fraught with pain. Your family has no idea you're in this relationship. It's a deception that eats at you, and you live a double life. That's fine if you're a government spy, but not a 27 year old woman who has a great deal going for her in terms of intelligence and career successes; yet lives in the shadow of a life that should be out in the open -- and one that should be a source of pride. You say that this man gave up everything for you, but that was a choice he made. Assuming he has children, and now you say his family hates him, yes, he sacrificed a lot -- but for something he wanted, not anything he was forced to do. He fell in love with a woman half his age, and that rarely works long term. He, I assume, based on what you said, is a 54 year old man who's pretty familiar with the ins and outs of life -- and although he may be kind, caring and honest, he is not innocent. He made a decision to leave his family, and he was not naive to the ramifications of it. Impulsive? Yes. Foolish? Probably. Irreparable? No. "I can't help but feel I'm missing out on the best years of my life." That would be true if you were intending to stay with him against your wishes. You want to move on, but he won't let go. Well, that's an excuse for you to keep the status quo, but those tears will increase, more than likely. This relationship, obviously, had no staying power. You and he have only been together a year, and you already feel as if, in a sense, you're in an emotional prison. Now, that's not to say you don't have deep feelings for him. But in love -- and with a man whom you want to spend the rest of your life? Not by what you said in your e-mail to me. This job, and making concessions by giving it up and looking for something closer to home (and where you reunite with your family) is the better plan. There are some things you can be keep between you and you, and you can put this chapter of your life behind you and never tell your family about it. The emotional stress from living this double life can be debilitating -- so much so, you lose a sense of self and will become emotionally dependent on him. If he's estranged from family, you'd do him a favor by setting him free; although he may not see it that way. Don't let him cling to you as a replacement for the family he lost. In time, he will feel the loss, more than he does, presently, and shame on him if he didn't. A man his age knows the risks inherent in the decision he made to run away with you, and it's hard to feel sorry for him, rather than equally responsible for the place you and he find yourselves. This relationship will end. It's only a matter of when, and how much you're willing to sacrifice before that happens.
A Bad Habit of Remarriage And Divorce
- Published 05/27/2013
- Relationships - Women
- Rating:
My first husband and I are planning to get married. However, I'm not so sure anymore if I should. We never had kids, and after our divorce, we were away many years. In the interim, he married and had a daughter, who is now 14. He divorced his wife after 5 years, and since then he went back to her once and it ended in divorce, again, within 6 months. During all those years, he paid a pretty penny above and beyond what he was assigned by the court, hoping his daughter would love him. When he called me 6 months ago, he had no relationship with his daughter and couldn't get alone with his ex. He's never had a relationship with his daughter, and his daughter pretty much shared her mom's views. In fact, their divorce was hostile. The few times his daughter visited him, it went poorly. He was miserable when he called me. As our relationship progressed (he visits me every month), he began to feel better and became quite happy. I asked him not to tell his ex and daughter about me until we had solidified our plans (we live on different coasts). Unfortunately, because he was suddenly so happy and going out of town so often, his daughter began to wonder, and he told her that he was seeing me and that we were serious. Well, now his daughter is treating him wonderfully. She asks him to the house, and even eaten there, and his ex-wife, for the first time in over 9 years, is treating him with respect and quite nicely. I had a feeling this would happen. Anyway, tomorrow he's traveling to another state to see a camp that his daughter said she wants to go to this summer (which is outrageously expensive), so they're going with him. I'm jealous, and worried. I told him. He got angry. He said he has to keep up this relationship with his ex and daughter, since it's the first time he's had a relationship with his daughter. I asked him if this will continue once we're together, and he said, "Well, when you're up here, you can come with us! I don't know what to do, or think. I have a feeling that if I ended it with him, the relationship with his ex and daughter would turn sour again, and I told him that the relationship with me is the only reason his ex and daughter are treating him nicely. He got very angry. Am I being unreasonable?
---------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------
Of course you're not being unreasonable. You see red flags waving like a 4th of July parade (if you live in the U.S.), and it's smart to be deeply concerned. Although it was never good that his ex and daughter were at odds with him, and a reconciliation with his daughter is a good thing, the motivation on their part is suspect, and all too timely. He sees this from a whole different perspective than you, and he's thinking about himself and the joy over being back in their lives; especially his daughter's. But you being accepted, and going along for the ride? What turnip truck did he just fall off? This is one unstable group of relationships, and the remarriage with his second wife, and now an impending one with you makes it seem as if there are only two women, and one man on the planet. I don't have much hope for this reconciliation, because I tend to think you're right. His daughter will not accept you, because her acceptance of him has strings attached. She let him back into her life, but I believe, as well as you, it's an unspoken message that if daddy brings you into the picture, he will, once again, be persona non grata. You'd be smack dab in the middle of it, and you'll be thrown under the bus if his daughter makes him choose. If you are still hell bent to take this to the finite, do not marry him -- but spend vacation time together this summer to see just how congenial his daughter is toward you. My opinion is that there's too much water under this bridge, and he carries too much baggage for you and him to have a happy life together -- a life that did not work in the past. Baby steps. Do not jump into a shark's tank, knowing what you know.