Dear Miss Emily:

My first husband and I are planning to get married. However, I'm not so sure anymore if I should. We never had kids, and after our divorce, we were away many years.  In the interim, he married and had a daughter, who is now 14.  He divorced his wife after 5 years, and since then he went back to her once and it ended in divorce, again, within 6 months. During all those years, he paid a pretty penny above and beyond what he was assigned by the court, hoping his daughter would love him. When he called me 6 months ago, he had no relationship with his daughter and couldn't get alone with his ex.  He's never had a relationship with his daughter, and his daughter pretty much shared her mom's views.  In fact, their divorce was hostile.  The few times his daughter visited him, it went poorly. He was miserable when he called me. As our relationship progressed (he visits me every month), he began to feel better and became quite happy.  I asked him not to tell his ex and daughter about me until we had solidified our plans (we live on different coasts).  Unfortunately, because he was suddenly so  happy and going out of town so often, his daughter began to wonder, and he told her that he was seeing me and that we were serious. Well, now his daughter is treating him wonderfully. She asks him to the house, and even eaten there, and his ex-wife, for the first time in over 9 years, is treating him with respect and quite nicely. I had a feeling this would happen.  Anyway, tomorrow he's traveling to another state to see a camp that his daughter said she wants to go to this summer (which is outrageously expensive), so they're going with him.  I'm jealous, and worried. I told him.  He got angry.  He said he has to keep up this relationship with his ex and daughter, since it's the first time he's had a relationship with his daughter. I asked him if this will continue once we're together, and he said, "Well, when you're up here, you can come with us!  I don't know what to do, or think. I have a feeling that if I ended it with him, the relationship with his ex and daughter would turn sour again, and I told him that the relationship with me is the only reason his ex and daughter are treating him nicely. He got very angry.  Am I being unreasonable?

---------------------------Miss Emily's advice-----------------------

Of course you're not being unreasonable. You see red flags waving like a 4th of July parade (if you live in the U.S.), and it's smart to be deeply concerned. Although it was never good that his ex and daughter were at odds with him, and a reconciliation with his daughter is a good thing, the motivation on their part is suspect, and all too timely. He sees this from a whole different perspective than you, and he's thinking about himself and the joy over being back in their lives; especially his daughter's. But you being accepted, and going along for the ride? What turnip truck did he just fall off? This is one unstable group of relationships, and the remarriage with his second wife, and now an impending one with you makes it seem as if there are only two women, and one man on the planet. I don't have much hope for this reconciliation, because I tend to think you're right. His daughter will not accept you, because her acceptance of him has strings attached. She let him back into her life, but I believe, as well as you, it's an unspoken message that if daddy brings you into the picture, he will, once again, be persona non grata. You'd be smack dab in the middle of it, and you'll be thrown under the bus if his daughter makes him choose. If you are still hell bent to take this to the finite, do not marry him -- but spend vacation time together this summer to see just how congenial his daughter is toward you. My opinion is that there's too much water under this bridge, and he carries too much baggage for you and him to have a happy life together -- a  life that did not work in the past. Baby steps. Do not jump into a shark's tank, knowing what you know.